Before I go any further, I will tell you think I generally consider “perfectionism” a type of “life rule” or “survival rules.”  Before reading on, you might want to read about those at  http://chrismlegg.com/2010/02/04/a-short-article-on-life-rules/

Now, let me connect the neurosis of “perfectionism” and the biblical concept of “legalism” in a particular way.

Both are winked at.

Legalism is something we wink at in the church.  Perfectionism is nodded at in our society.

Ok, honestly, sometimes it is even rewarded… In both communities (but that is probably another article someday)…

But both are deadly – especially in relationships.

Legalism is deadly heresy that teaches us that our righteousness is based on the value of our performance – that God’s love for us is conditional and based on our usefulness alone.

Ok, I better get to terms before I get off on a rant about the evils of legalism – if I do, then I will end up writing a rant, not an article.

Terms:

I am going to define perfectionism as the mental and emotional need to have things a certain, generally arbitrary, way…  or there are strong negative emotional consequences.  Really, in order for it to be actual perfectionism, the perfectionist needs to act out their emotions on others around them.

There seems to be a morality belief about the perfection attitude as well, as though getting things done the way the “ought” to be is morally superior.

This, as I think about it, must be the crossover into legalism.  Legalists believe that following their own way of thinking that things should be done brings them more into God’s approval.

This is so destructive that its destructive power almost cannot be overestimated.

It defies the very most basic teaching of Grace – the truth that our love from God is not based on our performance, but on His.  A free gift.

Also there is also  is a fundamental error in thinking that will be so difficult as to be nearly impossible to break free of.

Much, if not most of what we think are “common courtesies’” … or the way things ought to be…

Are entirely and strictly arbitrary and subjective.

Most of us are so inured to them that we cannot step outside of them.  We are so entrenched and so invested in them that we are willing to hurt other over them.

Let me offer a silly example, but a real one.

My close and dear friend, Kevin East (www.followingtolead.com) was playing “play-do” with his sons and one of them began to mix up the colors.

Of course, he did what I had done dozens of times with my kids.  He told them, in no uncertain terms, “don’t mix the colors!”  One of them asked “why?”

hmmm…

Let us ask:  What “right way of doing things” do we have that we use to take away the expression and freedom of others only because it is “the right way of doing things” -  a way that we cannot really defend…

Whatever that thing is, it is a hint of perfectionism.

Do we then arbitrarily make it a morally superior thing?

Then beware, we are headed toward legalism.

OK, enough for one night – more next time… and what happened with my friend’s kids and their “play-do”.

Grace High School:  Feb 6th – Teen issues, focusing attention on the role of addictive things and Marijuana.

Pine Cove “Romance Me” weekend Feb 3rd weekend.  www.pinecove.com

Womenary starts in February too.  www.womenary.com

anything I am missing?

Here is my answer to a question I received about jealousy in regards to relationships.

I will say in advance that I think many people experience jealousy as love.  I think that jealousy is a poor cheap version of something like love.  I do not think it is love… in fact, generally, I think it exists in opposition to love.  I will tell you that when a man or woman wants their lover to feel jealousy, it is virtually always unhealthy, I think.

I was asked by someone about how they felt when their friends spent time with another more than them.  Here is the answer I sent back.  I hope to the degree that jealousy plays a role in your life, it is helpful to you as well.:

This is a question about jealousy and envy.  It really has an easy answer, though not an easy one to hear, I will warn you.  I will offer up an answer after I have explained a little bit.

Jealousy is such an interesting concept.  I have a really hard time defining it, since it has to be defined in such a way that it is morally virtuous for God to be “jealous” (eg. Exodus 34:14, Duet 4:24, Zech 8:2)  With this in mind, Jealousy is probably something along the lines of “desiring to get what is due us.”  In 2 Cor. 11:2, Paul claims to have a jealous-like feeling that is the same kind of feeling God has, too.  Naturally, it is truly God who is due every kind of worship, praise, admiration, tribute, sacrifice, etc… so it works out for Him to be jealous.  He is right to desire to be given the position that is rightfully His – the first priority.  Now, what about us?

What are we due?  Really… nothing.  We are the creation who have earned nothing of our own accord.  Our works just don’t add up to much that on our own.  However, in certain relationships, we somehow feel justified in thinking we are “due” something… or “owed” something.  We want to have something that makes us somehow special in that it gives us an advantage over another.  I am jealous of something because I think I should get it.  At the root of jealousy and envy(which seems very similar to jealousy in that it is “to want something someone else has”) for people, is probably a lack of love.

The problem is that maybe instead of an expression of love, the fact is that you don’t love your friends as much as you think or wish you did.  Here is why I say this:

We think that someone who is our friend should not spend time with another friend – because we either think “I want that time and relationship for myself.” (envy) or “That person owes me more time or loyalty than they are giving me! (jealousy) rather than thinking “I love this person, so I want them to have everything best even more than I want it for myself!”  This would be love.

This is a key part:

The problem with your thinking is that you think love and friendship are limited commodities.  Imagine:  you dump out a bag of M&M’s on the table in front of a bunch of 1st graders.  There are only so many M&M’s there!  In the mad scramble, every M&M you get is one I cannot have!  They are a limited resource.  There are many commodities that are limited – but all of the most valuable things aren’t.  You seem to think that any friendship that your friends give to one another represents friendship that now you cannot have!  This is a lie from Hell I run into on a regular basis – way too often!  I pray that God will teach us that love, trust, friendship, hope, faith, forgiveness, and the list goes on, are NOT limited resources.  When my one of my children overheard me saying “I love you” to their mother, they said “Hey, you don’t love her, remember you love me!” (this actually happened)  This is kind of cute in a 2 year old; it is only sad in us grownups.

I pray that God will continue to free you of jealous feelings.  We don’t own anyone; we haven’t purchased them with a price; they are not ours; we have not sealed them with our spirit.  All of this applies to a dating relationship too.  We don’t own each other and the things we want aren’t limited anyway!  Are you jealous when your boyfriend or girlfriend talks to someone you are insecure about?  Grow up – especially you guys.  What are you afraid of?  That she will fall for some other guy and leave you for him?  Have you thought that through?  So, rather than have her leave you for another guy she likes better, you would rather have a relationship for the rest of your life in which you are having to constantly control who she is around because you have chosen to spend your life with someone who you think is so weak in her character that she is going to run off with the first guy who flexes her direction?  If you really think she is that kind of girl, then don’t date her!  If you haven’t been able to trust any woman, then recognize that you are the problem, not her.  Ladies, if you are dating a jealous guy, it may feel a little like love that he is so worried about where you are all of the time, but it isn’t… it is fear and the fearful need to control.  1 Cor 13 tells us that love is not envious (same word as “jealous” in that passage).  It indicates a pretty serious insecurity and probably a pretty strong character flaw as well in him.  I recommend dumping him for someone with more faith and less fear.

However – dating aside, my advice is that you learn to love your friends and praise God for their friendship.  In fact, I would recommend that you pray for their friendship and grow, as well as for your friendship with them to grow as well!

Also, part of what you are feeling is a “lighter” version of rejection we might call “feeling left out.”

Good news:  it is ok to tell your friend, or romantic person, that you are feeling left out.  When we take that twinge of rejection, stuff it down, let it fester, fed with anger, unfairness, expectations, etc… it can become lethal very quickly.  A better solution is to talk about it.

Now, granted, we don’t like expressing feelings that feel weak or pathetic to us, so we prefer those that feel strong, like anger or resentment…(http://chrismlegg.com/2011/10/17/understanding-ours-and-others-emotions/ ) and it is a risk to express what you are feeling – your friend may not respond – at least then you know it is time to move on to other friendships.

But I think risk, honesty, and vulnerability are much better ways to live rather than jealous, manipulative, and resentful, even if it feels safer.

And I knew he could do whatever he wanted.  Choose what he wanted.

And that is what he chose.

His choices were limitless (from a child’s perspective), so, naturally what he chose must be the best.

To this day, if I were offered many choices of candy bars, it would require an intentional decision to choose anything else, because choosing the Butterfinger is just what you do!

In the past, it wouldn’t have even felt like a decision…

Choice = Butterfinger.

It isn’t like I thought about it at a meaningful cognitive level…

I didn’t need to; i didn’t know to; heck, i didn’t know i wasn’t!

This example is silly and not very significant for life, but I think it shows the effect I am trying to illustrate.

A good friend who is a poet recently wrote this:

Fatherhood is an ocean.  It’s life-giving, mighty, and gentle. It doesn’t matter who you are, it wraps you up in its current and pushes you in different directions. It doesn’t matter how far you go. It covers the globe; it’s always there. And when you get tired, you have to lie opened up  belly and face towards the world- the most vulnerable position. And only then,  can you close your eyes and let go. –Your in the most vulnerable position and the ocean carries you… that is when you float. And it doesn’t matter how far-it covers the globe- it has no end.

The unavoidable power of fatherhood we can accept.

The goodness invested in us we can embrace.

But what about the lies, the excrement, or the voids?

Replacement, and the acceptance of the replacement, and the empowering of the replacement in our own minds.  Here is what I mean…

First – other spiritual parents in our lives as replacements for our biological father if he needs to be replaced.  For all of us, spiritual parents can be healthy and wonderful additions to our lives.  Accepting their acceptance, love and approval as more real and more significant – opening ourselves up to their influence – is vital.

Second – accepting the revealed God as our Father – our ultimate Father – and though He is not physically present in front of our eyes, we can let the Truth of His faith and approval and the “reckless raging fury” of His love for us hold our hearts and souls – filling them until the junk is washed over like old oatmeal out of a bowl.  Soaked, lifted, and washed away.

Once, when Jesus got angry at the way the Pharisees liked to be honored as representatives of God, but didn’t honor Him with the way they treated others, finally turns to the gathered crowd and exclaims “Do not call anyone on earth your father ; for One is your Father , He who is in heaven.”  (“father” was apparently a name the Pharisees liked)  Matt 23:9.

How does this apply?  If you had/have a father who wants to be father but refuses to love, cherish, etc… then don’t call him father; why?  Because you have a father.  In some way, this should be true of all of us – even the ones with great fathers!  Even the great ones are really just like the moon reflecting the light of the sun.  The sun is still the real light source.

At best, as a father, I am just a reasonably accurate though poor reflection of my children’s true, everlasting and eternal Father.

Whoever you are, remember, you have a Father.  Someday I believe, He will make things right, and call us Home.

Thanks to all the great dads out there, including mine.

My Father and me

I am preaching today (or depending on when you read this, I preached…) on “everlasting Father” from Isaiah’s prophetic description of Jesus.  One of the topics that i mention about fathers is the power they/we have… So often children’s engagement with reality is impacted by the father… Moreover, a child’s first and most intuitive belief in their own value is largely found in the father’s opinion.

It is so tough to connect certain things to reality without dad; it is tough to disconnect certain things from reality if dad connected them.

An example, put simply, if our father teaches us to hate something, it is hard to not hate it.   That doesn’t necessarily mean he taught verbally (though that too)… But he helped us connect the bad thoughts and ideas to something.  Other father-men in our lives do the same… (How would sitting outside a principal’s office feel today for you as an adult?)

Do we connect dad to God (yes, we all do intuitively, I am convinced)?  Then our intuitive (meaning what seems to come most naturally… We are not doomed to this, but I think it is the first, most primal, almost instinctive go-to, but we can choose to believe something and live according to something different.

But also, there are fathers who are joyful

Strong,

Gentle,

Wise,

Sacrificial…

I have one.

I think I am one.

Kind of like God…well, Imperfect, ok… Flawed, ok…. But still kind of like God.

Ready for the fun part?

I know I am.

This is the fun part…

I never want to leave any father or mother with such a heavy burden… I feel it too, so I don’t want that to be the whole story… The sad or scary part of this story.

As parents, and even as spiritual parents, that power is still there!

This can be power for good.

And I believe it was meant to be.

To me at a very personal level, the truth of all of this is wrapped up in one word…

Butterfinger.

A few years ago I realized that I pretty much always choose a Butterfinger if I have a choice of candy bars.

But i had never wondered why.

I just did.

So, if you read my stuff much you know that I love to analyze myself on stuff like that, so I did.

And I realized I believe at a deep level that they were best.

Always choose the Butterfinger if you can, because they are the best.

How did I know they were best?

I’ll bet You know.

But I will tell you next time.

Ps – thanks to everyone who came to hang out with us at the South Campus.  When there is an online link to the sermon, it should show up here: http://www.fbctyler.org/media#!/swx/pp/media_archives/122304/channel/1962/series/4219.  I think the sermon would be a good companion to this article.

6:30-9:30 steak dinner and a movie with fun for the kids – and it won’t cost you more than $25 total!

Register at the site above!

Truth Pandemic.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VE9XnX7WRog

hate our families – or rather, they love them in the way a hyena loves Wildebeest.

they target the weak and the young.

I remember when Pocahontas came out (aside from the rumors that Disney execs wanted her drawn so that her “clothes defied gravity” and that they presented her as a 21 year old Native model rather than her historical age when she met John  Smith – aged 12.)  I read that every possible MIS-spelling of the name took you to a pornographic site.

This was an unabashed and intentional attempt to target children.  I have also heard, though not confirmed, that this is done anytime a new kids movie comes out.

I know that common topics that families or children might typically seek out are often pornographic websites as well.

It is disgusting to the degree it is true.

Ask yourself…  why are they fighting against the (.xxx) ending to websites so that all pornographic sites would be easily identifiable and avoidable?

I can only think of one reason, and I certainly don’t buy that it is their belief in “freedom of speech.”  I certainly don’t think it would be a defiance of my free speech if I am not allowed to advertise myself as a medical doctor or a US General… nor is it a restriction of my free speech that I have to let people know that I am an LPC if they come for counseling.

In fact, I am proud to display the results of God’s blessings and my hard work.  I guess these purveyors of free speech and art aren’t proud enough of what they have wrought to have it clearly identified.

Maybe they are worried that protection software and parents could too easily keep children from viewing it.

They are just selling what my youth minister used to call “candied poison.”  Sometimes the taste is sweet, but the consequence is still death.

So, some quick ideas about how to engage in this battle:

1.   See that it is a battle and that someone wins if we give in.  Someone we wouldn’t want to win… someone who is strategically seeking to destroy innocence and addict our children and wreck families.  War has been declared upon our families.  Will we fight?  Ever heard the axiom:  all that good people must do for evil to triumph is… nothing.

2.  Don’t try to fight the battle alone.  Friendship, accountability and prayer are key.  In addition to having a couple of key people who can ask you, and WILL ask you tough questions, I recommend the 3xchurch programs for accountability.  Look them up at http://www.x3watch.com for more information.  No software is perfect, but the simple accountability that can be found with this can be helpful.  If stuck in the middle of the temptation daily, make sure to get face to face time with someone as often as you need to win the battle… that when the day is done, you stand.

Another version of relationship is this:  you may need to engage the services of a professional counselor.  Don’t be afraid to take that step.  Addiction is a real issue that most Christian counselors are trained to help with.

3.   Make no provision.  Paul reminds us in Romans 13:14 not to “make provision” for the flesh and lust.  If I want to lose weight, storing donuts is not a good plan, no matter how convinced I am that I will not eat them… because eventually, I will.  Get filtering software, put it on every internet portal you own.  Throw away anything that might tempt you, or might tempt anyone else in your family.  Cancel channels, toss catalogues…   movies, whatever.

4.  Move along.  Get up and re-engage in life.  The less time spent focusing in on even the failure can often bring us back like a magnet.  God’s word promises that God not only forgives (ok, we can kind of understand that, right?) , but also cleanses us from all unrighteousness! (1 John 1:9).  We confess – it is GONE.  Cleansed.  Washed down the drain.  Don’t wallow in guilt… don’t spend too long staring at the oncoming headlights, or you might find yourself slowly veering back that way.

So, to quote the guy in Mos Eisley, “move along…”  (after all, these actually aren’t the droids you’re looking for).

I pray blessings on you as you struggle with whatever weak point in your life that our enemy has and does target.  Remember that typically we aren’t very good at winning these alone, but God’s Spirit is really good at it…

So fight to submit to our King.  If we can win the struggle of submitting to Him, then our victory is at hand… when we let Him win the fight for and with  us.

and you might Take a second and pray for brothers and sisters trapped in this industry and trapped by this industry, to find freedom.   Blessings.

 The Muppets

 Ok, periodically, I am going to try to start doing a little movie review action… not primarily about the “thumbs up” or “thumbs down” of a movie, but to comments on its value for the family…

 First… I want to comment on the recent rash of remakes and comebacks of former movies and movie concepts. 

 I know that it often seems like Independent movies and Pixar (and some DreamWorks) are the only people even attempting to come up with new-ish stories… and I think that is a valid critique of the movie industry…

 But I want to tip my hat to something I have seen in the last few years…

 And that is tipped hats to the movie that is being remade, brought back, or sequel-ed after years of silence….

 If you are singing a Billy Joel song, you sing it the same way he did/does.  You refer back to the original… that is just right, in my opinion.

 It used to be that when someone remade a movie, they were obsessed with making it “uniquely theirs”… different, fresh, taking it in a totally different direction.  The “new” one seems to have been made by people who neither knew nor liked the originals… or remake their own originals…

 (sometimes even it was their creation originally!  I mean, really, did Lucas ever even watch Episodes 4,5,6?… Greedo shoots first?  In what universe?)

 Yuck.

 I have the same opinion about movies that tell the story told in a book, but I could really get off topic there.  Really – Faramir takes the ring to Osgiliath? 

 However, the new model is to “tip the hat” to the original…

 The first and third Mission Impossible movies

Karate Kid withJackieChan

Star Trek

A-Team

Rambo

Rocky Balboa

Predators

 And there are many more movies that tip the hat in respect.

 Some of these movies aren’t really all that good, and I certainly would not recommend many of them, but I appreciate that they seemed to have been made by FANS of the originals. 

 Never let someone make coffee in your church unless they love coffee.

 ‘Nuff said.

 Second… to let you know, that I am a fan from childhood of the Muppets.  I always enjoyed watching the television show as a child.  I am sure that Henson had plenty of beliefs and political views that I would not agree with (fully an assumption, I have not checked)…

 But the morals and teachings were always really encouraging to me – even as a kid!  As someone who had a best friend, I totally related to the Fozzie Bear/Kermit friendship.

 As a young man who, until High School, never felt like I could relate well to the girls I really liked the most, I was able to relate to Kermit’s uncertainty about Piggy – is she the one for him or not?

 Seeing individually odd and still radically different people struggle through but make it work probably played a role in my belief that friendship is the ultimate human relationship…

 (to pre-empt the question:  the marriage relationship should even be a relationship in which the powerful intimacy of a life-long devotion of friendship is expressed sexually too… within its role as a living parable of God’s love for His people.)

 The Old Men, Beaker, and Animal should be turned into archetypes for something.

 Third… I like any movie that doesn’t take itself too seriously.  I think that is why I continue to keep “The Princess Bride” on my top movies list…

 There is little more maturely funny than a genre that can poke fun at itself a little bit… especially when it is as well known and iconic as The Muppets are.

 Fourth… I also like it when a work of art can have a little fun at its own expense, but even moreso when it is willing to make commentary on its genre… in this case – visual media.

 Fifth… Can I add that I think it must require 100x times more intelligence, cleverness and ingenuity to be funny and stay clean.  I think that is why a thousand crass comedians are forgotten every day… but why Bill Cosby  (and hopefully) Brian Regan, among many others, will be remembered.

 * Ok, so, my childhood connections to the Muppets… I have strong feelings when I hear the Muppet Show intro.   The tradition of it actually (ok, you will laugh at me) reminds me of how I feel when I hear the traditional wedding vows.

 * This movie has constant references to the originals… I am confident that the makers not only like, but love The Muppets.

 * Many of the comedy riffs are connected to the original movies and television shows.  “Traveling by map” is apparently much faster than just driving or flying, for example.  Constant, un-warned appearances of celebrities is another example… I could go on, but I don’t want to ruin anything for anyone.

 * The commentary on society in general and visual media in specific is pretty potent… if not very subtle.  The show that the Muppets replace is called “Punch the Teacher.”  Again, not subtle.  

 The play against big business is a common theme for the Muppets (remember the Chicken mogul?) and maybe even that is a little tongue-in-cheek poke at their own preachiness at times (the badguy’s name is Tex Richman – an oil tycoon)… did I mention not subtle?

 Maybe I am reading my own perspective onto it, but this almost seemed like a poke atHollywood’s tendencies to create a clear 2-dimensional arch-villain out of the business world.   Or maybe they really thinkTexasoil men are the real evil left in the world.

 Finally, the way that all of us “normal” people seem to treat celebrities is handled in some pretty funny ways.

 For those who were at our “Gospel According to Pixar” event:  was there a parable?

(if you missed it, you can find it here:  http://b3ministries.blogspot.com/2011/11/thanksgiving-for-future-with-forgiven.html)

 Sure – the question of identity is dealt with in another non-subtle song… Are we men or Muppets?  Where do we belong?  For former students of my identity curriculum – who am I one of?

 Are we uniquely designed to belong somewhere?

 How about the question of making sure we don’t forget those who matter most to us?  I think there are a lot of  husbands, wives, fathers (and mothers) who need to be reminded of that message.

 Interesting message that I have certainly found to be true as a therapist:  it is easier to believe in other than in yourself.

More conversation about the Gospel According to Jim Henson at http://www.mbird.com/2011/11/bears-wear-hats-the-gracious-absurdism-of-jim-henson-and-the-muppets/.

 * Ok, and this movie is clean.  Even the one small dance scene with Vegas-style dancers is cut so short (and their outfits aren’t cut as short as you expect either) that there is no time for anything very shady.  The comedy is clean… the language is clean… in fact, that is one of the very points being made by the movie –

 Whatever happened to media that can be enjoyed by children without seeking to work hard to destroy innocence?  It went wherever the Muppets went.

 Well, I am glad they are back…

 Apparently I am not the only one:  with an estimated $29.5 million Friday-Sunday and $42 Million if you start measuring on Wednesday, The Muppet’s $10 million goal (see the movie to understand) has been blown away… and it isn’t even 3D… and only cost $45 million to make (http://www.boxofficeguru.com/weekend.htm).

 I assume that the sales of the old movies and television shows will explode too.  I am shopping for them as I write this.

 Now, do you think someone might listen and bring Kermit, Beaker, Animal and the gang back to Prime Time?

Also, thanks to everyone who attended the “Gospel According to Pixas” event at GABC.  It was great… the topic was really valuable and the conversations were inspiring!  Thanks to Matt Magill of B3 Ministries (http://b3ministries.blogspot.com/), for really coordinating the event… and for his wife and band’s involvement in great music too.  Also, what a joy to meet a fellow worker, warrior and brother in David Zahl, founder of www.mbird.com with his spiritual ingenuity on this topic.  Thanks again, to everyone.

Virtually all of the material can be heard at http://b3ministries.blogspot.com/2011/11/thanksgiving-for-future-with-forgiven.html