Two Kinds of Men

82fd86abe4fba67bbdc2e3366f07ea86--sheriff-western-western-cowboy.jpgI used to love to read Westerns when I was a young man and I still do.

Now, I realize that part of the reason is that there is a representation of life, purpose, right and wrong, and especially masculinity that is simple (meaning “not unnecessarily complex” rather than “foolish”) and straightforward.   Not a lot of things are presented that way anymore; more’s the shame.

In one of these old Westerns, I once read a distinction about masculinity that has been 13749081638.jpgvery helpful over the years.  I cannot remember if the author was Max Brand, Louis L’amour or Zane Grey (having just read Riders of the Purple Sage, it isn’t in there.)… but the distinction went something like this:

There are essentially two types of men.  The first are the kind of men that women fear, but no real man does.  These are the abusers, intemperate children in men’s bodies.  The second are those that no women would ever need fear, but that every man must take into account… the Western equivalent of respect.

There are plenty of men out there that I would be certain would never intentionally hurt a woman – especially not in anger, but that I would feel the need to take into account before I acted, especially if it were in a foolish or immoral way.

I am not talking about the freaky extreme situation that might be possible, but that the vast majority of us will never come anywhere near – some kind of dramatic violence posed against a child or something, I guess…

I will periodically ask a man in my counseling what the ugliest expression of his anger has ever been.  It is amazing to me how many often there has been slapping or pushing… or at least physical intimidation (cornering, yelling in her face, gripping her arms)… or even just calling her foul names.

This is sad but intriguing to me.

Why would a man dishonor himself this way?western-movie-historyA.jpg

Virtually all of the men who I hear this from know this is not ok.  In fact, I will often ask them “what would you do if another man spoke to your wife this way, or treated her this way.”  The answer I expect (and kind of hope for) is some version of “those would be fighting words.”

Men,  I would recommend you don’t say or do anything in anger to your wife that you would want to kill another man for saying or doing.  This seems like a simple and obvious place to start, at least, doesn’t it?

It is beneath you as a man.

e5e3b5fc526057f917c3d63d92ec864f.jpgI am not saying that everything in those Westerns -especially in relationships between men and women, were good and right.  Certainly misogyny, dismissal and other unhealthy examples were common.  Don’t mistake this article as proclaiming all things Western as good… or even that it is always good to simplify things.

However, sometimes there is truth to find here.

In fact, we have to acknowledge and accept the power that we have in the lives of the people around us.  There is more about that concept in the article about being  heroes and I will write more in a follow up article on meekness.

Leave it at this for now – be the kind of man that other men would respect (or had at least better take you into account), but that women would always know that your physical power and presence would be used in for them… but they would not need to fear it, or you.

6100321462_53bbd4735e_b.jpgIf you are a woman and you are with a man who you have to be afraid of, I strongly recommend you get help quickly.  There are people and organizations ready and willing to help.    I will be happy to help you find that help if you contact me.

 

0 thoughts on “Two Kinds of Men

  1. Or, you know, you could avoid violence against women because you respect them as human beings (other-oriented reason), rather than merely to prove how manly you are (self-oriented reason)…

    1. I would say that respect for others is exactly what could make a man safe… I suspect that is what the author meant… but if I respect someone, that is still about me, not them. In fact, our character issues are always about us, not others. If I trust, love, respect, honor, forgive, etc. it is about my character. That isn’t selfish or even egocentric in the common usage of the word – it is just character.
      In other words, I do respect them as human beings, and it is that very respect that would prove (not cause) someone to be the right kind of man.

  2. i assume you dont want me to post this on on the site – i am really praying for you. You are right that the normal advice is often the reverse in a situation of addiction. Based on how I understand scripture, you can leave whenever you are ready. He is in God’s Hands, too, and you cannot do anything to fix him

  3. I am going to use the “two kinds of men”in my martial arts classes. That is one of the best ways to say what I am trying to teach about honor among equals I have run across. I a world in which I feel I have to teach women to fight to kill just to stay even with the much stronger men, I try to develope their instincts to tell the differences in men. As my classes tend to lean heavily toward women participants, the majority of which are in the weapons classes, it seems that the women know of the need also as well as sensing that I am the kind of man they need never fear. Men, for women and children to feel that way about you should be humbling and reguarded as an awesome responsibility as well. See that you continue to be such men.
    Sensei/Guro Charles Adams

    1. Charles, I think of you as a strong example of the right kind of man. If I needed someone to protect the ladies in my life and I was inavailable (of if I thought I needed help 😉 you would be high on my list of people to call! Thanks for being a great example of that kind of man. BTW, did you see the link to you on my resources page?

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