Talking with kids about sex – Part III

Year 2 of the training

The second year was the Human Sex ed. Class as we normally think of it.  I actually drew out the diagrams of the male and female sex organs and talked first about the way they accomplish the reproduction part of sex.  (as they used to say in “Silver Streak”…  “What goes where and why.”)

My almost 11 year old was surprised and even a little grossed out, and I had to be ok with that.

One of my main goals for this year was creating, forever, the idea that I was totally comfortable talking about this stuff.  Now, to be sure, I am (as a counselor I talk about sex all the time with people)… but I really think that this is one of the most important goals here.

So act casual and calm, like you talk about this stuff all the time too.

Remember the guns in dad’s cabinet?  I didn’t want him to think of sex as a taboo subject with me at all, but as comfortable a place as it would be possible to have about such an uncomfortable subject matter.  If he wants to know more, he can always come to the expert.  ( Laugh if you want).

As mentioned before, I was introduced to the world of adult sexuality via a magazine in the woods at about age 5.  Because of that, I think sex was much more intriguing to me – in an unhealthy way – much earlier.

My son had had a crush on a girl since he was 8, so I know that he likes girls a lot; but as we drifted down the river, I noticed that he didn’t seem to really notice the young ladies in skimpy swimsuits like I think I would have at 11.  It was all I would have had eyes for.

I asked him about it and he said he really just liked the one girl in our neighborhood and really didn’t think anyone else was pretty like her.

I think I coveted my son’s healthier progression into romance at that moment.

He was more grossed out by the biological side of things.  I connected the spiritual aspects we had talked about the year before with the actual processes.   I pointed out that two people so linked physically and with so much skin touching were sure to create a powerful bond spiritually as well.

I made it clear that he would see all kinds of false images about what sex is like – but that it is a very amazing way for two people to connect as an expression of their life-long devotion to one another.  It is so intimate and so vulnerable, that anything less would not really be safe or wise.

Finally, I pointed out that one aspect of marriage is how it is like a castle in which the treasure of sex is protected; and how it is that one activity that is reserved only for people within marriage.  Sex isn’t common; sex isn’t trash; it is sacred.  You keep special treasures in a special place.235414894-globus-cruciger-sceptre-treasure-room-crown-jewel

Again, I asked if there were any questions about the biology and anatomy of sex.

He quickly said no.  Since that time, he has asked me many, many questions.  I think the goal of him looking to me as an open book about sex was accomplished.

One quick note about this year’s discussion was that I taught him all the appropriate anatomically correct terms for everything as well.  He already knew many of them, and many psychologists believe in teaching the medically correct terms from the beginning.  We haven’t chosen to do that, but I can understand the motivations for it.

So that you know, during the year that followed, I got a number of questions from him about sex.  Typically, they were questions about terms, or about what something that he saw or heard meant.  Often, these weren’t technically questions – they were comments that he made as though he knew for sure, and then watched to see if I was going to correct him.

The only story he told that I wish I had foreseen was between him and his best friend.
His best friend found out that we had talked and that now Mark knew the secret.

He wanted Mark to tell him the details.

The reason I wish I had foreseen this is so that I could coach Mark on the proper way to handle it. Fortunately, he did well.

Mark told him that it was not his place to tell, and that he should ask his own father.  The part I love best is that his friend asked “ok, just tell me this, does it have something to do with kissing?”  Mark told him (paraphrase) “Not really, and I really don’t think you want to know.”

I fell a little behind on this, so hopefully sometime this week the 4th part will also appear here.  Part IV

0 thoughts on “Talking with kids about sex – Part III

  1. Great article…..I think I learned a little more, even at my age. Wish my husband and I had had access to your “talk” when our boys were young. Yes, the correct grammar is “between him and his friend.” (Speaking as an old English teacher) You should think about teaching a class to all dads about how to talk to their boys about sex. Great job!! Betty McMahan

  2. How have y’all handled it with Ellie? Do you give the talk, or Ging? I know she hasn’t gone on the Buffalo River trip!

  3. My follow-up comment is that I previously ordered the AMA’s book for teens and preteens … One for boys and one for girls … But I was disappointed and am even leary about giving them to our children because most of it does not address the intimacy and spiritual nature of sex, but it is just a how-to and loaded with just about every alternative lifestyle you can imagine. Not exactly what I was hoping for as a healthy introduction to the topic.

    1. yeah, good material for kids is hard to find… it gets better for teens, but for kids – ouch. Anyone know of some good stuff? That is part of why I think a parent has to get in there and talk rather than give a book – at least to go through the book together.

  4. Being the object of a preposition, it should be the objective case–him. However, it is awkward one way or the other. How about “I wish I had foreseen the conversation he had with his best friend” or “I wish I had foreseen his best friend’s questions.” When in doubt, find a more comfortable re-wording.
    Btw, this is an issue I’ve thought of since years before I was even pregnant! Maybe you get to this later, but one thing I would like to be able to be open with my kids about is some of the inaccuracies in the way it is portrayed on tv/movies.

    1. thanks for the grammar help everyone! I will fix it… and, sis, the next entry is about exactly what you are talking about! (teaser)

  5. “Him” because it is the object of a preposition. Between him, between her, between me, between us. Not between he, she, I or we. : )
    I wish you could handle this the correct way for ALL our kids ( you could just hold a seminar for all kids who are “ready” – just kidding). No, seriously, this is good information to help guide us through the process with our own kids. Very helpful. You or your son, when he’s older, could write a new book for boys to help reinforce what the parents teach them. Thanks!

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