Posts Tagged ‘sex’


I got to be a part of a great podcast a few days ago.  This expresses some of the roots – going WAAAAAYYYY back (in time and in philosophy) for the issues of sexual identity that we face as a culture today.  Check it out!


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Now, another other option(go back and read part I and II if you have not)  is to sit still, or move away, and develop more and more resentment about not getting your “needs” met. (Sex is not a need, and that is why I put it in quotes in recognition of how many other counselors and others refer to sex as a need. Unlike air or water, an individual can survive without it.  The four needs, as everyone knows, areinternet-4-necessities water, shelter, food and internet connection)

By the way, if you are both content, then you still aren’t done – because life changes and circumstances can change desire and opportunity in either of you.

Also recognize that there are seasons of life – when you have more or less energy to do what doesn’t come naturally to you… or that requires emotional or physical energy at all!

Did you know that allegedly, each parent loses about 2 hours of sleep per night during the first year of the child’s life? That represents 730 hours of sleep in a year lost!

104 nights of 7 hours of sleep lost.

In one year.

And this is merely one of the stressors to our energy levels that come with little children…

(I am going to publish an entire article on this thought soon, as well… about marriage satisfaction)

And it means that it is that much tougher to engage in activities that do not come naturally, or to express attitudes that do not come naturally. Sex, and the initiation of sex are common examples of such – things that

So, it becomes even more important to do the things that create the feelings and attitudes that would make a sexual encounter seem like a good idea for both marriage partners… and both partners can help create those as well.

So, if you are interested in having your spouse more often, sexually, (for understanding why I use this term, read here)… then it will be important to try to create the right conditions for your spouse to have the energy… and interest… to engage with you. Security, rest, affection, encouragement, and appreciation are some of the things I hear about the most often.

And, as the sex talks above will make clear, it is vital that you make sure your spouse knows that you choose him or her above sex itself… that you want them – even if sexually is the way you want them – not just sex.

If you are the spouse who desires sex less frequently, then you may need to figure out if there is any special reason – low testosterone (your doctor can check for you)? Masturbation? Scripting created by pornography, feeling bad about your body, messages about sex, resentment, hurt feelings, past experiences, exhaustion, a combination of these?

Examine your life and your heart and see what barriers there might be.

Then deal with them.

If you aren’t willing to try to adjust your thinking or learn and grow, for the sake of your spouse, then there is probably a problem that needs to be dealt with.

The rule of thumb is that if you are in a boring marriage, it is most likely because you are a boring person… we are not passive victims of boring marriages.  Check it out.

Get counseling if you need to… and you will likely need help to deal with many of those things listed above. Also, there are some great books and online resources to help.

There are great resources out there for better understanding of sex from the perspective of freedom and truth.

I recommend Feldhahn’s materials

And, I recommend Shannon Ethridge’s materials  Shannon’s material is especially valuable in evaluating the motivations, and de-motivations, in regards to sex.

And there are others, but those are other good places to do some research to learn better and more, after you have exhausted the resources here.

I think God intended for sex to be a powerful agent of connection, affection, strength, peace and unity Marriage Heart Healthin marriage. If sex is NOT generally in that role in your marriage, may I recommend reading, studying and perhaps getting counseling to help that change! Also, I and some of my therapists are available for seminars and conferences to help you and some friends and maybe your whole church, turn this around!

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How often should a married couple have sex?  cross1


Ok, just kidding. I know that most people are looking for a number, and even though you knew that I wasn’t going to offer one so easily, I know you are hoping for an easy answer even though you know one doesn’t exist. Answers? Yes. Easy ones? No.

First, let me start with encouraging you to run over and read about The Dangers of Expectations (both parts) and I also strongly recommend another article about being (and being a) disappointed/ment.

The area of sex is one of the most challenging topics for us to deal with because of the powerful emotions that are almost always entwined with sex.

Very few people start with sex in a healthy way.

Most of us are introduced to the topic way too early –whether sex play with a more “educated” child, abuse from an older child or adult, or early introduction to pornography – we are all working with mixed and damaged scripts about sex.

couple-in-bed-not-talking-300x200There is so much more to sex than frequency. Below, there is a link to a series of talks that capture the depth of the conversation and those talks are a healthy context for this conversation about frequency.

Outside of a deeper and more spiritual understanding of sex, just a conversation about “frequency” can lead to a lot more pain and problems than solutions.

That being said, this question of “how often” is one of the most common that I hear!

I have met with many couples about sexual issues over the years, and have rarely ever found a couple that both had the exact same desire for sex in regards to frequency.

Rarely have I even met a couple in which both are completely satisfied with the frequency of how often they engage sexually.

I have met way too many couple who had capitulated and given up and accepted defeat in this area. Neither of the spouses are happy or satisfied… but just vanquished.

They cannot consider of them both being able to win, so one of them just bears the brunt of the frequency or infrequency. What was once a source of strength, energy and encouragement for them both has become a taboo topic filled with silence or long lectures, misunderstanding and resentment, etc…

They have talked and talked but without any increase in understanding or improvement of the problem.

Please take the time to try to find some freedom in truth. Some of the truth that can lead to freedom, especially for married couples, is talked about here in these talks and articles. I honestly believe these will help more than a quick answer…

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Too often, sex has become frozen in our hearts… cold and stilted… clearly something beautiful has been caught in a freeze… and it isn’t what God intended.   Just recently, we had a very late freeze at our house – well after all of the fruit trees had budded out.  It immediately made me think of the way that God planned for sex to be a bonding agent in our marriages but now it often is the opposite!2014-03-03 10.58.41 HDR

So many spouses are having sex just to avoid the negative emotional consequences of NOT having sex (pouting, silence, anger, insecurity…)

How do we warm our marriage bed back up?  How do we warm our hearts back up?

Here is the understanding sex material taught in a casual setting at our church.  I am 80% done with an Ebook as well.  I will let it be known when it is available.  It will have more detail and research involved.

Here they are:

Understanding Sex I

Understanding Sex II

Other key articles to understanding sex in the best form include

How to talk to your kids about sex

and some key facets to what engaging with sex really is

I hope that you are able to enjoy these and that they help you grow into a having a wonderful free full sex life!

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