Most of us as men are trying to prove things. We feel the need to prove ourselves smart, strong, right, desirable, sexy, epic, powerful, and all kinds of other things. We need to prove that we are loved. We feel the need to prove that we are capable. We try to prove that we are all-sufficient.
We tend to use the people around us to prove these things. Ouch yet?
If people laugh, we are funny and accepted.
If our wives will do certain things for us, then she must really love us/desire us.
If our kids don’t obey us, then we must not be perfect…
If people do what we demand of them, then we must be respectable/powerful.
If our boss approves of us, then we must be competent and admired…
(my friend John writes more about this) http://johnnyredfearn.wordpress.com/2010/11/02/nobody-loves-me/
If someone else gets more attention, or acclaim, or money or something else measureable, than us, then we still need to prove ourselves…
… but does she love/desire me enough to do something more?
… does she love me enough to prove it to me again?
… does she love me enough to do something she is uncomfortable with, or does she love that more than me? Does she love the kids more than me? Does she love her parents more than me? How can I get her to prove it?
Proving things always requires the bar to be raised. Tired yet? When are we done?
Never.
My gut tightens up just writing about it.
When I was about 11, I started taking martial arts. It had a big influence on my self-confidence. I was taking a soft-style called Hapkido, and the instructor was a Master named John Dowdy… I cannot begin to explain how much of a difference it made in my life as a young man and how it has played out as a man.
I think there is something to the idea that I once read in a Louis L’amour book that all men need to believe that they are able to handle themselves properly in a fight. Most men probably live in a kind of denial of the truth, or at least remain untested. It was wild, as a young man, to interact with men whose fighting prowess seemed supernatural at times, and to be taught by them!
As a therapist, one of my first recommendations for boys who seem to struggle with confidence is martial arts. On my resources page, I have a link that can take you to a Kung Fu school here in Tyler that I send young men to.
But I am writing this blog to tell a story that I learned while taking martial arts that taught be the most important lesson about the need to prove things.
We went to an open tournament and I fought in it. What I remember best, though, was the black belt finals.
It was a 3 point tournament, with back, groin, and head shots allowed as points… with pads on hands and feet.
The final four were:
1. a guy I don’t remember, and you will see why in a moment.
2. a big, angry aggressive martial artist in a brown and orange gi (uniform).
3. a talented Tae Kwon Do artist with patches all over his white gi.
4. a small Korean guy, wearing gi pants, but a plain black t-shirt… he may not have been wearing a belt.
The first two fought, and within a couple of points, and even with the pads, the angry guy hit the other guy in the eye so hard that it collapsed the bone under his eye! #1 was taken out on a stretcher, as I recall.
Patches and the Korean were amazing. The Tae Kwon Do guy doing the most beautiful precise movement I have ever seen – spins, jumps, strikes… all perfectly executed (with his canvas gi popping at every movement). He never touched the other guy. The little guy weaved in and out of the these moves and slapped him on the cup (groin protection in martial arts is even more extensive than baseball). My memory is that all three points were scored this way! Until that day, I did not realize that there were people actually fast enough to see a punch coming and just dodge it.
The final round was the little Korean guy and the big snarling guy. The whole auditorium sat in hushed anticipation of seeing this big bear get taught a lesson. Everyone in the room (except maybe him) knew how this would end – in his humiliating defeat.
At the mark, the big guy came across the mat like a freight train. The little guy danced back out of the ring. The judge warned him for leaving the ring.
Then it happened.
The little guy kind of cocked his head at the other one (who was still kind of snarling in the middle of the ring), shook his head to the side with a kind pitying look,
and walked out the tournament.
Need to read it again? Go ahead, I will wait.
Everyone was stunned… except the big guy left in the ring who started celebrating his victory. He won the 1st place trophy.
As my dad and I drove home, we talked about him. Did we think he could have won? Of course we knew he could have! Then why not fight? At that point in life, it was almost beyond me to imagine not showing off when someone could. What possible other motivation would cause someone to not fight except some doubt as to whether they could win? I couldn’t imagine any.
Then why didn’t he fight?
The conclusion my dad and I reached (and which was confirmed later)?
He didn’t need to. It didn’t look like fun to him. He had nothing to prove to anyone.
Not all the cute girls in the room (and the other girls too), not the tough men, (get this) not even himself.
Imagine that – he needed a reason to fight rather than a reason not to. He needed a reason to prove himself rather than a miraculously darn good reason not to!
Imagine not needing to say that thing which makes people think (or lets them know) that you are smart.
Imagine not needing to drop that name or tell that story that lets people know how important you are.
Imagine not feeling slighted if other people like when someone else speaks or leads than when you do.
Imagine not feeling the need to prove something?
May God set us free of our insecure need to prove things, but instead teach us to focus, to rest, to rely, on the truth of who we are… in Him…
saving us
from frantically trying
to prove against who we aren’t…
in ourselves.
Gideon is a mighty warrior the moment God sent His messenger to declare it… long before Gideon knew it was true.
Amen.
PS – thanks to Mark Cole for the Stone of Remembering
I googled and found your terrific article because at the graduate school where I work there are a few professors who are constantly demonstrating in small and large ways how smart they are (to a point where they sabotage their own success) even when others constantly acknowledge their high IQ and expertise. You have helped to provide the insight into this phenomenon that I was looking for.
More importantly your article has led me to a new definition of mastery. When you use your expertise for the purposes of lifting up others rather than yourself, than you are truly a Master.
Great story telling by the way, and yes “ouch”, the issues hit close to home. Thanks for creating the awareness that “not proving” may be the wiser choice.
yeah, we guys have some kind of insecurity that makes it feel necessary to always be right – especially when we are, but even often (and maybe especially!) when we doubt whether we are – another great comment. I pray that God brings me to a place where I can be at peace with who I am rather than feel the need to prove all the time. THanks Curt, for the great comment. My dad, who is a professor, will probably appreciate it!
oh, I am curious as to what you googled?
I googled “Why need to prove smart”. “need to prove smart” does not do it. One needs to have the “Why” part. You even need “to”. Then you come up as number one!
Thanks that was good stuff. The Lord is just now teaching me about things like fighting. I was always the one who got his tail kicked in my diary of one seriously wimpy kid. So I just kicked back by making good grades. It was all I could do well. I wrote off strength as equivalent to pride. But now I see that He is strong, He has won, He will stand for me, so that I can stand (and fight) for others, and win. He reminded me of our family crest just last week, the motto of which is, “The Gentle Hand to Victory.” This was what was so surprising about Jesus’ victory. I love that song that says, “Christ is risen from the dead, trampling over death by death.”
Great article Chris. As I read, I was thinking about the South Korean and why he didn’t have anything to prove, especially to himself. It would seem to me that he didn’t have anything to prove to himself in this instance because he had already proven himself in his own eyes; his years of training, winning, and losing had given him an accurate picture of his own skill. He knew he could beat this man, but apparently it wasn’t worth his effort. I can only guess why. It could have been that his victory over this man would have been hollow: what would it prove except that he could beat an imbecile. Or, proof could have had nothing to do with it; maybe it just wouldn’t have been fun.
It seems to me that a person must believe in their own eyes that they “have what it takes.” If someone speaks that identity into them, but their performance says otherwise, those words ring hollow.
If in my eyes I have proven myself, then that is enough, but there is still a proving that must occur. Thoughts?
actually Loren, my memory is that later we found out that his persective was “why should I fight?” I think he seemed he had no good reason to… certainly part of that was knowing what he was capable of, and not needing to show it off… but just the question proves the point. Most of us wouldnt ask that question – we have a reason to fight… because we have the auto-choice of “I can’t not prove… if I have the chance.”
Consider the question… do I “have what what takes?”
And, remember, performance can impact a lot of things, but it can never successfully (alone) change your identity. Is something true of us only after we have performed? Maybe the hollow ringing is a hearing problem, not a speaking one. I assume the Angel’s words to Gideon seemed “hollow” at the time. I cannot imagine we could ever rest in proving something – there would always be something more to prove. Remember the classic concept of the old Westerns – there is always another gun waiting to test himself against yours… it is a game that is never, never over.
Chris–can I say that women do the same thing? Thanks for posting this. Would you mind if I posted the link on my fb page?
please do post the link!