This is the audio from our recent parenting seminar. All kinds of good stuff for parents and grandparents. General philosophy, anxiety for kids, discipline ideas and boundaries. Check it out. We are excited to offer input and support for families.
Archive for the ‘Men / Phalanx’ Category
What if our purpose as parents was to model traits of God to our children? How would we parent? Would we hover more or less? Would we be quicker or slower to hand over the car keys? How are even supposed to figure when to give our kids freedom and when to hold back?
Alethia Counseling, as part of its Navigating Speaking Series, presents “Freedom Based Parenting.” This two hour seminar will take place on May 17th at 6pm. Our main session will be led by Pastor/Speaker Chris Legg, where he will unfold a model of parenting that starts with the character of God, which Chris likes to call a Freedom Based approach. Next comes three breakout sessions to choose from, all with Licensed Professional Counselors, with the aim of equipping you as parents. Allison Cooper will speak to issues pertaining to anxiety, Josh Berger will address behavior in your child, and Zach Herrin will be covering boundaries. Please call the Alethia Counseling offices if you have questions and to RSVP. Don’t want to miss a thing? Let us know when you RSVP that you would like to receive emails about upcoming Alethia events and seminars. 903-561-8955.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
I was recently asked to comment on the question of how much time a husband and wife should spend together… and most often this actually takes the form of “how much time is it reasonable to for me to ask my spouse to spend with me (since I have asked and they told me what I was asking for was unreasonable).
I have a couple of comments.
First, before I say anything else, I want to communicate that one of the things that can make marriage fun is when you know you can ask for what you want.
I think a spouse should generally not be chastised for asking for what they want… I am serious when I tell my wife that I want her to feel welcome to ask for what she wants. If my wife wants more time, more focus (can you imagine?) from me, then I want to know it!
I cannot promise that she will always get it, but sure want to know about it just in case I can! This rule is a family rule, by the way. The kids area also allowed to ask for what they want… but not promised to get what they want…
And I love, even when I cannot provide, to dream with my wife or child.
“I really want that toy” … “Man, I bet it would be great to have every toy we could imagine – what else would you like if you could wish for it?” – that isn’t sarcasm, it can be just dreaming with them!
Also, different people have different Love Languages – one of which is “Quality Time” (according to Gary Chapman)… in my marriage, I would translate that for my wife into “Undivided Attention.”
The idea here is that one spouse may be satisfied with less time than the other… but why not take the opportunity to give it? I want to be able to give what I can when I can, because The Lord knows that I will not always be able to say yes.
God is a God who loves to give good gifts… and I love to reflect Him as a good gift giver to the people I love the most. I love to give them what they want, when I can or when I think it is right/best. Now, on to the question more directly…
For years, counselors have compared marriage to a garden. This comparison works on many levels. I have pointed out before that one comparison is that the “natural” state of a garden (meaning the state it exists in without the intentional input of energy) is death; the “natural” state of marriage is divorce. Without the intentional input of energy, marriage dies.
Many want to think of marriage as similar to drifting downstream together… but that would imply that the natural state of marriage is to go where it needs to, but that isn’t the case, as anyone who is married knows.
I assume most therapists would agree with me that very few marriages end with the emotional bang… most marriages that end in divorce, drift into divorce.
There is more to look at in regards to this issue here at boring marriages… and ideas of how to avoid that drift! If the question is one of sex, it may actually be about intimacy, so I would encourage you to take a look at the conversation about how those things are linked in powerful ways.
But in response to the question asked, the first answer would have to do with what kind of garden you have? If a garden is otherwise healthy, and in an environment that engenders health (think two people who are generally healthy and who have quite a bit in common), then less scheduled and intentional time is probably necessary.
Years ago, I think I remember hearing James Dobson say that he figured a good minimum goal would be: 15-30 minutes a day, 2 hours a week, 1 night a quarter, and one weekend a year. I like these, and would generally agree…
By this he meant (if I am remembering it correctly) that we need direct and meaningful conversation and interaction 15-30 minutes every day in order to keep the garden in good shape. Then, we need to plan a more extended period each week in addition to that – a date, couch time, etc. of meaningful interaction; then an overnight away about 4 times a year and a longer couple’s vacation about once a year.
Keep in mind, this is focused time! Watching TV together, while nice at times, would not count, unless you were engaging at the time with one another (in which case, feel free to turn off the television).
Now, you can already see that a one-size-fits-all rule just won’t work, though.
So, what are some concepts that might work? Jump on over to part II
A friend who is a minister to Muslims sent me this report – this is an “open letter” from many in Muslim leadership to the followers of “ISIS”… and their leader. It shows the breach that is developing in International Islam, and exemplifies that many in the Muslim world do proclaim that Islam can live without conflict with others.
The joy of Facebook politics and religion is inspiring me today!
The joy of FB is the way a crazy, hard, complex amalgamations of ethics, faith in God, political policy and more are converted into something so simplistic that a cute meme can somehow clear it up for everyone.
I promise that I am not picking on anyone here, except maybe one or two atheist friends who I comment on later… but just the mass inundation on my home section of refugee memes from both sides of the conversation.
How about this: when I let someone into my home it is a complex decision involving my sense of hospitality, availability, resources, ethics, faith, wisdom, intelligence (I mean that in the military sense as well as the IQ sense) and so much more!
Some people I let into my house. Some people I don’t. Some people I give a key.
Those aren’t because I am a bad Christian (thanks, atheist friends for telling me in memes what makes for a bad or good Christian – try to remember that you think Christians are fools, deluded or worse, so trying to use your meme logic will fail on us in any case)… but because allowing someone into my house is a complex decision.
What will actually serve that person best? Helping often creates long term problems for people… How will they interpret my helping them? To what degree should I help? Am I creating yet another dependent culture on me? (ok, that one is admittedly a culture question – not just about someone coming into my house) Also, what will serve my family best?
In real life, there are often competing goals that sometimes don’t play well together.
Are you desperate and in need? That will certainly play a role in me letting you in. Of course, especially as a Christian, but just as a believer in truly objective right and wrong, I hate to see any human suffer.
I do imagine myself like the man to the right. If those are his children, I can fathom doing whatever it took to find safety for them. Is there a way to offer them that within this complex problem? I hope so. I also know there there are thousands of dads like that all over the world not getting the attention he is. How many can be helped? One more than now, is all I can think of. I know that Compassion International, for example, has one more child you can help right now, if you are more than just about posting memes about how governments should help and are willing to do something with your own money right now.
(back to the refugees, I know there are Christians by the droves already trying to help, as they are refugees all over the world already… this isn’t a new problem… and since we are part of a Body, I am a part of that. I am hoping they know what they are doing to help these people in ways that help.
Are my resources limited? That will play a role too. How long can I help before I have doomed you and everyone I let into the house?
Is there someone out there that I know wants to kill me and has been known to disguise themselves as you? Not your fault, but it may mean more hesitation on my part to let you in.
I am not trying to relate directly letting someone into my home to letting certain refugees into the US or not… in fact, my point is that making that call must be at least hundreds of times more complex than me and my house.
Which is hundreds of times too complex to be simplified in a meme. I do not think we do anyone justice by all racing to post something this week and then move on to the meme flood of the week next week.
I look forward to the day when people can remember that life is actually complex and that rarely is it valuable to summarize your opponents’ views into something that can be posted in a little picture with some words on it.
Or at least, make sure you don’t fall into the trap of thinking that you are making a compelling point that way.
The Thief comes to steal, kill and destroy; I have come that you might have life and have it abundantly.” Jesus Christ.
For years I have talked to mostly men, and a few women, about issues connected to the temptations particular to pornography. Since the incidents of women engaging in pornography is apparently on the rise, I have decided to go back and add both genders to the conversation here…
“Porno-graphy” is the combination of two Greeks words meaning the graphic representation or the graphic version of sexual immorality.
It isn’t new.
Since people could carve stone, there have been examples of pornography.
And for years, I have wondered at the roots of why it is tempting to us.
When you take out all of the factors that might “explain” the temptation – unhappy life, unchosen celibacy, and even the general drive toward sexuality – and all of these can be removed as variables – there is still an intrigue. Why?
Even if we are happily married to a beautiful person with an active, varied and adventurous sex life… and we aren’t particularly in the mood for engaging sexually at some point we can still find ourselves tempted by pornography!
Now, before I go on, I want to clarify that I believe that viewing, reading, or participating with pornography is sin. The fact that it is a temptation generally common to all people doesn’t make it less destructuve.
All sexual immorality is condemned as sin in the Bible.
See passages like 1 Cor 5:1, 1 Cor 6:18, 2 Cor 12:21, Col 3:5, and 1 Th 4:3. It is sin, and as such, is toxic to human life.
God desires something better for us – a more full, meaningful and life-giving way of living…
But Pornography is incredibly destructive to relationships and famously addictive… worse, it isn’t like alcohol or drugs. As lethal as these are, they are external of the person. Technically (though it is incredibly hard), a person can just leave drugs or alcohol somewhere and stay
away from that place. Sexual addictions, like pornography (once it is inside your head) is like food. You can stop doing meth…
But you can’t stop eating and you can’t stop being a sexual person. It can make the addiction that much more lethal.
The endorphins that make the experience so addictive come from inside our own body, and they are some of the strongest feelings we
have. The linkages can be very strong.
So, as we begin to look at some of the aspects of temptation posed by pornography, I don’t want it to be taken as treating sin with kid
gloves. Far from it. I think it can be healing and empowering to understand things.
Truth sets us free.
When sin is brought into the light, it loses a lot of its strength. Additionally, for those NOT tempted by pornography, it may be valuable to hear and understand more. So, let’s get to it:
Why is pornography tempting?
* I believe that it is a “normal”, healthy thing that men are attracted to the female form (or in the case of a female, the male form).
* I believe that it is also so that men are typically specifically intrigued with the parts of the female form that are special and different from the male form (and vice versa).
* I believe that it is also healthy for men and women to be intrigued with sexuality.
I believe that these are generally God given desires and interests. Certainly most women and wives would feel like something was wrong if the men and husbands in their lives did not have these interests!
Again, I think these are God given healthy desires that anyone might want to find in their husband, son, etc.
Note: I am not making any comment about homosexuality or any other specific individual attractions. I can do that in another article ometime… and attraction is a very complex science that would requires more than I am willing to take here. I am speaking in general terms at this point.
God has offered an amazing provision for the experience and expression of these desires and interests… a place that is meant to be safe,
free and full of grace (https://chrismlegg.com/2011/03/07/facets-of-sexuality-part-2-intimate/)…
… called marriage.
Marriage is particularly crafted to offer this place of safety for handling something as powerful as sexuality.
Marriage is like a secure castle wall in which the power of sexuality can be safely engaged with and enjoyed…
Does anyone doubt its power?
Like a fire, in the proper setting, sex is life-giving and enchanting; out of the proper setting, it creates a constant risk of death and destruction.
I didn’t anyone doubted it… we all know how powerful it is.
Those listed above are God-given and healthy interests.
But there is a rule about that here on planet earth…
If there is a God given yearnings and God given provision, then there are also going to be alternatives…
Believe it. Satan offers us many alternative ways to fill the God-given desires. I don’t think he can create true desires. He can only offer substitute provisions for the desires that God created.
So he does. He has provisions too.
Pornography is one of them.
Talking to Kids About Sex Part I
I married a girl who grew up in the city… with no guns in the house. Naturally, she was concerned
about us having guns in our house, especially when we began to have children.
So, I called my father and asked him about it.
It’s ok, don’t worry… this article is about talking to kids about sex…
hang with it….
I remembered that I had never really been even tempted to get into the guns without dad – but I didn’t know why. Sure, I feared the
consequences of getting caught… I knew it would be really bad… but that certainly wasn’t enough. The guns were stored in a gun cabinet right in the hallway outside my room, and though it was locked, I knew where the key was.
He told me that I had no reason to ever sneak to the guns… I knew perfectly well that all I had to do was ask. There was never any reason to go without permission, because there was even more freedom in involving my dad.
Plus, I was taught to understand guns as what they are – a tool, not a toy… from a very early age.
Though I saw them as special, meaningful and powerful, I did not see guns as a taboo topic with my father and there was no value or purpose to trying to make them something to sneak on my own.
I want that same attitude for my kids for guns too… that they respect and understand certain things without fearing them.
This touches on one of my basic rules for parenting that I have:
I want my kids to think of me as someone who brings freedoms and new experiences to them, rather than someone they have to wrest truth or freedom from. I never want to be a barrier to them getting what they need, while being a strong barrier against the things that would damage them.
Man, these are two tough concepts to integrate, am I right? However, I was sure that I wanted to apply it to this topic…
I want that for other topics as well…
Movies, food, tools, money, and
So, we have tried to create, from very early, the impression that we are comfortable talking about sex.
Further, a few times, we decided to intentionally engage in conversations about sex. We were seeking to be responsible to initiate the conversation.
Very few parents seem to do this part… initiate… even if they are willing to have some kind of talk.
Unlike the “talks” I hear about…
that seem more like a mythical legend given how many people know it is supposed to happen versus how many seemed to have ever experienced anything healthy,
we wanted actually to have age-appropriate, normalized, sober and honest freeing conversations with them about these subjects.
Since I have had many people ask about this, I thought that I would report on the process I went through with my oldest son. I know that each parent has to decided before God what is the best way for them to go about this, but this will be a report on our conversations.
First, I would like to take a stand against the conversations about sex that are essentially child abuse… ridiculous attempts at giving one’s own children a magazine published for men still stuck in adolescence… the whole point of us as men teaching our children about sex is so that we can be the main voice in their lives about the truths of sexuality.
My good friend Matt Lantz referenced that God was the only and most powerful voice for Adam and Eve about good and evil until they ate from the tree of such… then the truth became muddled by other voices. I desire to be main voice in my children’s lives about this kind of important matter!
As almost all of us know, the pornographic world will be happy to be their main voice, and it certainly will be if we aren’t. Why on Earth would we introduce that world to be their voice?!? It is vital that we keep all those voices as far from our children as we can… that is why we cannot
have them in our houses… and any access points (televisions, computers, the mail, etc) need to be filtered.
This isn’t about fear – it is about making sure my children learn God’s perspectives on sex and knowing it well before the world’s excrement gets a shot at them…
The men I know who struggle least with issues of pornography in its various forms are those who were given the most time to mature before
they had to face its addictive power.
Now, on to the format that I decided to use with Mark.
First of all, I wanted to find a good Father/Son event that would create ample opportunities to talk alone and to debrief if he wanted
to. Further, I wanted to create at least 2 or 3 distinct chances to talk spread over a few years.
There is a Buffalo River trip that some guys go on each year in Tyler – Mark wanted to go on that one, so it seemed perfect. So, at some point on the trip for the last 3 years, I have initiated the conversation.
Year One: God’s purposes for sex
Year Two: The biology of sex
Year Three: The broken aspects of sex
Next week I will go into more detail on each of these… Part II here.