It is amazing what we as humans can deal with when we see things in different perspectives.
Imagine that you chose to work at a camp for helping Down’s Syndrome kids.
Imagine that at some point, a big teenage DS boy walks up to you in the cafeteria and touched you in a sexually inappropriate way. How would you respond?
Note that in another situation… at the grocery store, etc… if a big teenager did that, it would be an extreme and traumatic situation that might involve screaming, pepper spray, calling for police, etc! The trauma might take weeks or months to recover from.
However, in the camp, you would probably gently remove the boy’s hands and say something like “Now, Jimmy, we don’t touch like that.”
No police. No self-defense.
Why? Because you understood going into the situation that sometimes DS kids touch inappropriately, and you understood how to deal with it. You knew what you were getting into.
Now, think of the person that is tough to deal with emotionally in your life.
Doesn’t it make sense that if you know that they are constantly critical or ravingly insecure or self-absorbed, or just mean, that you could engage with them the same way?
If you know that you are going to interact with a narcissistic person and they behave in a self-serving and egocentric way, why be traumatized by it? (I am not excusing the character flaws or sins of others, but talking about how we can engage with them). Why be surprised by it? Why expect or even look for anything else?
Don’t you know what you are getting into?
A rule I live by is: Don’t look for healthy behavior from an unhealthy person.
This doesn’t make all of the consequences of what the person did suddenly go away, but it allows me to take it less personally! It isn’t about me.
If a client with a fragile ego and an anger problem cusses me out and storms out, can’t I just think “well, of course they did – they have a fragile ego and an anger problem!”
If an egocentric family member changes plans on me in such a way that would send them crashing if I did it to them, what should I do? Yes, the consequences of their decision is still there – a sudden change in plans. Gotta deal with that.
But I don’t have to take it personally. Didn’t I already mention that they were egocentric? Of course they did what was convenient to them. I knew what I was getting into. I don’t think I have to or need to be shocked. “Yep, that is what it means to love a Down’s Syndrome person – sometimes they touch inappropriately.”
“Yes, that is what it means to love a perfectionist – they are going to criticize whenever they feel insecure”
“Yep, that is what it means to have a relationship with a pessimist – they are going to be constantly bringing up the negatives.”
Again, whether personality quirks or character flaws, I am not explaining away or minimizing the consequences… nor am I cutting someone a blank check… but I am saying that no matter how close, we can accept that it is about them and not be surprised or traumatized when it happens.
Their immorality is still theirs… but I don’t have to bear the emotional weight of it when it shows each time.
Now, also knowing the truth about someone allows us to draw healthy boundaries with them.
If someone lies, we aren’t required to accept everything they say as the truth.
Just like we wouldn’t accept math advice from someone with a math learning disability, why should we take identity, value, or emotional advice from an emotionally dysfunctional person?
I know that this is especially hard with family – and especially with parents. Parents naturally speak identity into us, and from infancy, we learn to label whatever they do as “love.” However, there comes a day when we have to put childish ways behind us and accept their limitations – again (must I say this again), not “excuse” them or pretend they aren’t real… but predict that they will act according to the character that we know about already!
I am also not advocating stopping loving someone because they are damaging – exactly the opposite! However, that isn’t possible with where so many are…
One final consequence of this issue is this:
I believe many people are hurt when they are mistreated, especially by family, because they are in denial of who their family members really are.
I had a young man tell me what a great dad he had, but by the time we were done talking, it was clear that his dad was an immoral slap of a human! Why the self-deception? I am sure it was self-protective.
Rather than have to love dad – the unfaithful, philandering, angry adolescent – the dad he actually had…
He had created a dad much easier to love – but who didn’t exist – and loved him instead.
It wasn’t satisfactory.
First, because it meant he kept being surprised when his awesome dad acted like an idiot.
Second, because it also meant he didn’t love his dad.
So, instead, we talked about learning to love the real dad – not excuse him – but love him.
Then he didn’t have to be re-traumatized every time dad turned out not to be the fake image he had created… (this did not change dad’s behavior, by the way… he was still the same slap as always).
Thoughts?
This is interesting to me…as an adult, my mother has “abandoned” me because she does not like decisions that my husband and I have made. Not shameful decisions but ones that families should be proud of. We felt led to foster and adopt, and have a good experience. But my mother has decided that I was making a mistake and hasn’t had any contact with me or my family because she doesn’t approve. This has been one of the most difficult times of my life.
wow, I can imagine. Our families struggled too, offering their thoughts on why it wasn’t a good idea (we adopted through foster about 2 months ago!)… but in the end, they came around… if grudgingly. I think facing what you are facing must be so painful. Does your mother consider herself a Christian? If so, what is her stance against it based on? My friend Kevin East has some articles about it on his website http://www.followingtolead.com – maybe that will help. Also, we are hoping to start a foster and adoption support group this fall through FBC Tyler’s South Campus.
Hmmm. As a mom of two little kids, it also seems like a good idea to apply to them. As foolish, selfish, “childish” beings I should not be surprised when they do or say things that are foolish, selfish, and childish. When they make a mess and cause me more work it is not the same as it would be if my husband or my best friend came into my house and dumped the crayons on the floor, spilled the cup of milk and fed their cheerios to the dog and then demanded more. (real examples by the way) I often feel so discouraged and angry when this happens as if I was expecting my 2 year old “one-man demolition crew” as we call him, to be wise, responsible, coordinated, and thoughtful. These are my goals, of course but right now he is foolish, messy, clumsy and selfish. He is only behaving according to his nature.
I think where I struggle with my spouse is in realistic expectation. He often tells me that he wants me to “believe the best about him”. He is a truly good man, but he is not thoughtful (meaning seeing what my desires or needs are and doing them without being asked), and absolutely not neat. So how can I believe the best about him while not being surprised when he leaves a trail of stuff behind him and does not think to do something for me that I would like to? Maybe it’s more that I need to believe what is true where I am disappointed and believe “the best” where his strengths are and I tend to misjudge him (working hard with a good attitude, helping when asked, playing with the kids, helping in the kitchen, etc.).
Yeah, I hear you! Is he doing anything to get better at this stuff? There is a whole page (phalanx) for men on this website! But based on what you are telling me, he probably isn’t… most men don’t, sadly.
In my experience, if you can be gentle, kind and encouraging and clearly ask for what you would like… not nagging or bossy. You might read the article to men about being heroes on the Phalanx page… so that you can get good at helping him feel like a hero…
eg. “I wish you would help bath the kids for once in your life.” to “it means that world to me that you help sometimes – and I would love to have you take the burden of bathing the kids at night off of my shoulders… I will remind you when they need to be bathed…”
then be thankful when he does. Sound like too much? But it is your best bet and helping him.
Remember most men don’t have the countdown clock in their heads going at all times like moms do. I am a good dad, but I don’t know when things need to happen most of the time. My wife magically knows when diapers need to be changed, children fed, baths taken, bedtimes, etc.
I found this especially true with my 2 foster boys. I am often most frustrated and hurt but them when I forget what they have been through and who they really are. Thanks Chris!
Great example of this!
Just the other day, I got really hurt by a long email that my brother wrote to me. In very hurtful, intentional ways, he criticized my decisions and made ill hearted comments. I was devastated by this because he is my big brother and I still want to be accepted and supported by him.
But the truth is, he is not healthy emotionally. He doesn’t know God, and he is not capable of loving others through God’s love. Criticizing my decision and trying to change my mind actually is the only way he knows to love me right now.
So instead of saying “I can’t have anything to do with you because you hurt my feelings” I can accept him for who he really is. A lost person who is in desperate need of God’s unconditional love. And not be surprised when he spews out poisonous words because he does not have the Light in his heart. (And quit counting on him to be my moral support!)
that is the application I think can make all the difference for someone!
My husband suffers from PTSD (not receiving treatment) and being a sensitive and empathetic person myself, I have had a difficult time learning to “buffer” his emotional outbursts. I appreciate your view and now I know it’s okay for me to not take the hurtful things he says, does or neglects to do, to heart. I worried that I was being callous or distant but now I know I’m being self-preserving. Thank you.
I am glad that this helps – and I would really encourage your husband to get some help with the PTSD – it can get a LOT better with some help. I am glad you are willing to love him in the “worse.” If he ever needs or wants to talk to someone about it, give him my email!
The people hardest to love are those who need love the most. The boundaries you set should keep you from being a hard to love person.
What a great epitaph that would make – “He was not hard to love.” Good stuff!
” The boundaries you set should keep you from being a hard to love person.”…I 100% agree.
Excellent post; I agree with all of it. I reminds me of the way God keeps loving me. It also challenges me to pray that my kids marry someone Christ centered and empathetic. Thanks Chris.
It is like the way God loves us in that He knew what He was getting Himself into – but got into it anyway! The Old King James called that “Charity”.
This is so true and so incredibly hard to walk out on a daily basis. It adds a whole different level when the difficult person you love is your spouse. I am daily trying to navigate these waters and figure out how to not take things personally and create boundaries while loving my husband well. My husband has walked away from his relationship with the Lord. This was very convicting for me… I find myself struggling to love the person he is now instead of loving the person he was when I married him. Thank you Chris for your wise words.
This is SO healthy… I think it works on many levels. A great reminder for us on how we can cope with quirky, damaged or even abusive relatives (or friends), from a position of love, acceptance or simply understanding. This approach helps us deal with past hurts and protects our hearts from future hurts, without living in denial. It’s reality & truth based. It gives us the power to stop a potential cycle of unhealthy relationships that might trickle down through future generations if we allowed it. It makes us healthier and stronger for those around us who need us (e.g. our children). It rejects the idea that someone else’s mistakes or flaws should have undue influence on shaping our own lives and our beliefs about ourselves and our worth. It frees us from feeling that we can or should be able to change another person. It reminds me that I, too, am flawed and makes me grateful that I might be accepted despite my imperfections. On top of that, it’s a practical way to approach a complex difficult situation with confidence and grace. I love it. Thanks for your blog!
Chris~ I appreciate your blog so much! Thanks for taking the time!
I appreciate your encouragement! I wish I had more time to devote to it… and I wish WordPress wouldn’t cram all the lines together even when I put spaces between them… but oh well!
Of course you are right. We must love those who mistreat us and not expect a selfish, hurtful person to act selflessly or kindly. Nevertheless, it can often be so very difficult to take the hurt and pain from such a person and live with it. One feels like an emotional punching bag if not worse.
oh yeah! I totally hear you. I pray that nothing I wrote makes it sound easy or even not hurtful at times…
Like I said, though, being honest can allow us to draw the healthy boundaries surrounding the relationship and it allows us to dig in, face the reality of what the person is doing, and love them in the midst of reality.
This is not hard, at some level it is impossible… but it was well modeled by our savior who loved us and died for us when we were yet dead sinners. What did He expect? a crown of thorns, a whip, and a cross. Knowing this, He came.