Two of my friends have been hanging out with each other without me there – I don’t know why, but it is really bugging me – help?
– This is a question about jealousy and envy. It really has an easy answer, though not an easy one to hear, I will warn you. I will offer up an answer after I have explained a little bit.
Jealousy is such an interesting concept. I have a really hard time defining it, since it has to be defined in such a way that it is morally virtuous for God to be “jealous” (eg. Exodus 34:14, Duet 4:24, Zech 8:2) With this in mind, Jealousy is probably something along the lines of “desiring to get what is due us.” In 2 Cor. 11:2, Paul claims to have a jealous-like feeling that is the same kind of feeling God has, too. Naturally, it is truly God who is due every kind of worship, praise, admiration, tribute, sacrifice, etc… so it works out for Him to be jealous. He is right to desire to be given the position that is rightfully His – the first priority. Now, what about us?
What are we due? Really… nothing. We are the creation who have earned nothing of our own accord. Our works just don’t add up to much that on our own. However, in certain relationships, we somehow feel justified in thinking we are “due” something… or “owed” something. We want to have something that makes us somehow special in that it gives us an advantage over another. I am jealous of something because I think I should get it. That makes some kind of sense if you are thinking about “I am jealous of attention my wife might give to another man” if it somehow is something that would only be appropriate for me. I often reference the intimacy of God “wiping away our tears…” and use it as an example of this. If I saw another mere man (not God, or someone else with that freedom, like her dad, son, or maybe brother) wipe away my wife’s tear, I would feel jealous… that kind of intimacy is really not for someone else. Might there be some things that a teacher, parent, mentor, etc., might feel a certain kind of jealousy about? Maybe, by that definition and understanding.
However, that is not usually what we mean when we feel jealousy… we usually mean that we feel somehow possessive or maybe that we want what they are getting for ourselves… at the root of this kind of jealousy and envy(which seems very similar to jealousy in that it is “to want something someone else has”) for people, is probably a lack of love.
The problem is that you don’t love your friends, or at least not very much. I told you it wouldn’t be fun to hear. Here is why I say this:
We think that someone who is our friend should not spend time with another friend – because we either think “I want that time and relationship for myself.” (envy) or “That person owes me more time or loyalty than they are giving me! (jealousy) rather than thinking “I love this person, so I want them to have everything best even more than I want it for myself!” This would be love.
This is a key part of this:
The problem with your thinking is that you think love and friendship are limited commodities. Imagine: you dump out a bag of M&M’s on the table in front of a bunch of 1st graders. There are only so many M&M’s there! In the mad scramble, every M&M you get is one I cannot have! They are a limited resource. There are many commodities that are limited – but all of the most valuable things aren’t. You seem to think that any friendship that your friends give to one another represents friendship that now you cannot have! This is a lie from Hell I run into on a regular basis – way too often! I pray that God will teach us that love, trust, friendship, hope, faith, forgiveness, and the list goes on, are NOT limited resources. When my one of my children overheard me saying “I love you” to their mother, they said “Hey, you don’t love her, remember you love me!” (this actually happened) This is kind of cute in a 2 year old; it is only sad in us grownups, especially when they are married to one another – which I see regularly.
I pray that God will continue to free you of jealous feelings. We don’t own anyone; we haven’t purchased them with a price; they are not ours; we have not sealed them with our spirit. All of this applies to a dating relationship too. We don’t own each other and the things we want aren’t limited anyway! Are you jealous when your boyfriend or girlfriend talks to someone you are insecure about? Grow up – especially you guys. What are you afraid of? That she will fall for some other guy and leave you for him? Have you thought that through? So, rather than have her leave you for another guy she likes better, you would rather have a relationship for the rest of your life in which you are having to constantly control who she is around because you have chosen to spend your life with someone who you think is so weak in her character that she is going to run off with the first guy who flexes her direction? If you really think she is that kind of girl, then don’t date her! If you haven’t been able to trust any woman, then recognize that you are the problem, not her. Ladies, if you are dating a jealous guy, it may feel a little like love that he is so worried about where you are all of the time, but it isn’t… it is fear and the fearful need to control. 1 Cor 13 tells us that love is not envious (same word as “jealous” in that passage). It indicates a pretty serious insecurity and probably a pretty strong character flaw as well in him. I recommend dumping him for someone with more faith and less fear.
However – dating aside, my advice is that you learn to love your friends and praise God for their friendship. In fact, I would recommend that you pray for their friendship and grow, as well as for your friendship with them to grow as well! In the end, it is all God’s from an ownership or “worthy of” perspective.
Your friend, even though I have other friends,
Chris
I was going to ask you to write about jealousy sometime when you have a chance. BUT that’s unnecessary because you already have … (Your website’s word search worked!)
I think the pond analogy you’ve talked about might apply when you’re feeling “jealous” over your spouse. What happens when one spouse feels threatened by the other’s flirting or crossing boundaries with a person of the opposite sex; and the flirty one then feels overly-controlled? Is this a grey area or are there some concrete truths or principles that can help remedy the conflict and bring harmony back?
When does the threatened one need to consider changing his/her expectations? And when does the flirty one need to put the threatened spouse’s concerns above his/her own desires? How can you tell if your expectations for your spouse’s behavior are healthy or unhealthy?
Finally, would you comment on your pond analogy if it applies?
Thanks for your thoughtful website!
in a great marriage, I would hope that if one person was uncomfortable with the attention that the other spouse gives to others, that a conversation would ensue asking the very questions that you list here. How can I understand? How can he/she understand? what adjustments are we willing to make? Can we humbly accept our role in the disagreement? Philippians 2 tells us to always be looking after the interests of the other, in addition to our own. Please remind me of the pond analogy.
Chris,
Hello friend! It’s been awhile.
In reference to this post, I’ve got a question…What does limitless friendship look like? How do we do this well:
“I pray that God will teach us that love, trust, friendship, hope, faith, forgiveness, and the list goes on, are NOT limited resources.”
Friendship seems to practically be, at least in part, measured by time spent. Our time is limited. Isn’t it true that there are friendships that we will have to prioritize over others (because we can’t do 1000 friendships well)?
Thanks for your wisdom!
time to spend on a friendship is limited, at least on this earth it is… but friendship itself is unlimited! Think about that application to anything else too – though I do not have unlimited money with which to entrust people, my trust can be unlimited. Here is the question: if I have more trust, does that mean there is less to go around for others to have? nope. The same with friendship… if you are my friend, that doesnt limit the number of friends I nor you can have nor how many people can have us as their friends… nor does it decrease the amount of friendship in the world. Does that make better sense?
oh, and yes, bc we are limited creatures with limited time, we are forced to prioritize some things in life when they are connected to limited resources (or at least resources that are limited to us) like energy and time.