Part 2
Go check out Part I, if you haven’t yet.
We are answering the question, “how much time should spouses spend with each other?”
With friends who are very similar to us, we can feel like we’ve spent a long time together even when we haven’t. Our temperaments, perspectives, opinions, etc., are so similar that even getting together a few times a year is sufficient to maintain our friendship as at least “stable.” However, there are others who I dearly love who are so different from me in their personality (tempera
ment plus character), understandings, and communication styles, that even a couple of weeks of not getting time and the relationships begin to feel awkward.
Of course, this happens in marriage too. Make sure you are getting enough time to nurture the garden even when (and maybe especially when) the conditions aren’t naturally super favorable!
Also, the stage of life impacts some of this. You cannot do everything you would like to do (check out these thoughts about loving with the limited resources we all have… so you have to be more intentional with what you have!)
Finally, I would say that there is one thing about the question that bugs me a little.
As I make clear in the “limited resources” article, we have to learn to love intentionally and intelligently since we have so little margin in most of our lives… However, I still want to have a mindset of “how much time do I GET to spend with my spouse!?”
I am a little saddened when someone wants to know the minimum amount of time they “need” to spend with their spouse. Now, I also know that sometimes one spouse is too irresponsible to schedule the time needed, or too much of a people person to
create the margin needed, or just an ornery and difficult person who wants to avoid hard work, or even a lazy person who can’t be bothered to think outside of their own comfort… or, to be honest, a tired person with little left to give at the end of most days.
So, to repeat, I am a little saddened when someone wants to know the minimum number for anything that God meant to be a good gift to them.
What is the bare minimum of Mint Oreos that I have to eat? What is the lowest number of dollars I have to accept? See what I mean?
So, if your spouse is trying to figure out the minimum hours with you, ask yourself, what can I do to make that time with me a sweeter experience?
If you find yourself wondering how little time you can get with your spouse–then you have become a boring spouse. Get on the ball and become an agent of freedom, love, and change in your family rather than someone who needs to be coddled.
If you are both seeking the least time required to be together, then you need to come to talk to one of our counselors – in person or by phone and get revved up to make a difference in your marriage. Who wants a boring marriage? If we are going to stay together anyway, we might as well do our best to make it wonderful… not just bearable.
So, here are my thoughts. Focus attention toward finding out how to embrace time with your spouse and what role you can play in helping them embrace time with you… and then make the habit of devoting what time you can afford to one another! Since life has a habit of causing a couple to drift apart and away, you had better schedule it.
Remember, like any garden, there are times of sowing and reaping. There are times 
when we need intense input of energy. There are other times when less time is ok… but remember, no garden produces all the time. Fruit and flowers are what make marriage fun, but they require regular investment all year around.
Back to the original question… It is a good one, especially if we have the right intentions. We must be diligent and intentional about creating time for what matters most to us… in this case, our marriages.
Don’t let your marriage slowly decay into a dead and fruitless garden. Get the help you need, if you need it, and make whatever investment is needed to be a good gardener for a good garden. For a deeper conversation on what love like this really is, I would recommend this conversation on love.
Very, very often, a breakdown in the power of sex as a bonding agent is a real problem as well… If so, I recommend these talks.
I really enjoyed reading this article, but I tried explaining to my fiance about how I want to spend more time with him, let me say for starters he is a gamer. So when I ask to spend more time together just one-on-one, he responds that we do. The only thing we do realistically is watch TV together and maybe a video games but I want to do things that aren’t involving electronics, but I don’t want to have to plan it all the time… Ever since we lost our jobs and we home with each other all the time, that’s when it seems like he doesn’t really try anymore.
have you asked him for a specific time (30 minutes after dinner) to go for a walk or sit on the couch, and talk in addition to watching tv and gaming? men often feel good about a relationship when it is tranquil, but women feel good about it when it is emotionally intimate. he is going to need to invest there with you if he wants to keep you!
I’m married for 37 years. my husband has been disabled, unable to work for 15 years or so. I am gone from the house about 12 hours a day (10 hrs work, 2 hrs commuting) 5 days a week. when I come home I cook dinner, my husband and I eat while watching TV. Every other Saturday I grocery shop with our grown daughter, about 4hours. I spend my weekends cleaning, doing laundry and watching TV with my husband. We don’t go out too often due to him not feeling well. whenever I suggest we go out to do something he magickly doesn’t feel well. then he complains that I don’t spend any time with him. I don’t give him the attention he needs. What am I supposed to do?
husband spends every weekend with long time friends–sometimes overnite–doing different sporting activities—?!
some of that kind of stuff is great – and nice when a wife will encourage that, too… but obviously, if the spouse’s activities mean that the marriage cannot get the time it needs, that is a problem. Often men are not aware of the time their wife needs or the kind of time. Sometimes writing it out is a great plan – then share it with him. If you cannot make a breakthrough, then it may be time for counseling…
Also, you might check out the “boring-marriages” article too.
I enjoyed both of you insightful posts. What about a husband who works from home and never stops working. I am so frustrated. my husband has become so boring. We don’t have kids and I long for something meaningful to put my love into. I am very resentful of my husbands dismissal of my needs.I have tried to chat with him but he says I am selfish and don’t understand how demanding his job is. Perhaps I am selfish as I want to have a few hours at the end of the day with him. maybe I should get a boyfriend so I can feel like I am not a bother… Just kidding. I would get a cat but he hates cats. maybe I should adopt a few kids. he would never notice anyway. I feel so lonely. I’m not ugly, dumb or boring. lots of men would think I am a terrific partner…
wow, ok, I have gotten a few responses like this. Apparently, I need to do a follow up on this article. Keep your eyes out – I will try to get one out in the next few weeks. For now, have you made an effort to involve anyone else – a counselor or friend?
I am also in the same boat! I would be happy with 5 minutes a day and I dont get that. It makes me wonder if i should be here.
I would love to talk more with you about it… how have you asked? Are you joining him/her in what they love? It may not be fair to do more than 50% of the work, but fair has little to do with love… or a calling to greatness.
Hope things improved . . . Man who works all the time is no man. but could be a pwPD . . . a person with a Personality Disorder . . . What kind of PD makes little difference . . . they don’t consider other people or their feelings . . . Seek counseling . . . either as a couple or even alone, if need be . . . Gook luck.
Chris,
What is the most amount of time I should spend with my spouse? 🙂
I don’t think there is a maximum, Bret, except other responsibilities that God has given you! I think you are always fighting for that time!