… and, (if you haven’t read part I, jump to it now) real relationships require dials across time.
This same principle applies to emotional responses. Maybe you are the “worst case scenario” type – you jump all the way to the extremely unlikely but possible options? Avoid the switch and seek to examine for more likely but less intense options.
It is ok to deal with the realities rather than attempt to borrow troubles that are essentially guaranteed to not exist. A doctor friend of mine likes to remind his patients that “it is probably horses.”
He makes the point that if we hear hoof beats outside, it could be zebras (they have hooves) but probably, it is horses. Sometimes when someone has a symptom that could be an allergy headache or a brain tumor, it is most likely an allergy headache… horses.
Could it be zebras? Well, technically, yes… but pretty darned unlikely.
When it comes to worry, keep the gauge dialed down as low as the common denominators allow.
I would encourage anyone to seek to develop the skill of measured emotional responses. In the past, this character trait was called “temperance.”
Temperance means to be the governor of your emotions rather than governed by them. We have the capacity to affect the intensity of our emotions with our minds and hearts. Learning to understand our emotions maturely is fundamental. Then learning the way to talk to ourselves in emotionally rational terms…
These are us using the dial mentality. Rather than feeling sudden and extreme frustration or rage or utter despair or completely overwhelmed, we can feel annoyed or angry or discouraged or just stymied a little instead.
You can find some more tools about emotions here and there will always be more coming here.
So, do your best to develop the patterns and skills of engaging with dials. Avoid “switch” thinking. Feel a little more or a little less – not everything or nothing. Let your relationships grow a little or fade a little… pull back a little, step up some more.
There are no perfect relationships with humans. Don’t demand them to be perfect. Get better and better and cranking the volume dial up or down a few notches. There are better things than off or on all the way.
Showers are better integrating the hot and cold a little up or a little down. Take that skill and apply it to your relationships and emotions.
Note – I am not staying that anyone who has the switch mentality rather than
the dial mentality has a personality disorder, of course.
However, the reason that I talked about personality disorders at the beginning of the article is so that you can understand the dysfunctional nature of the habit to engage with off and on only thinking when it comes to feelings and relationships.
Learn to make incremental changes in emotions and in relationships. Both will become more valuable and healthy aspects of your life.
Thank you for highlighting and bringing focus to this. Different times have different struggles, and I don’t believe one could overstate just how operative (and destructive) emotional dysfunction has become in our hypermodern state. Nearly infantile in its impulsive capacity, our current culture actually prizes enslavement to emotion and the poisonous fruits such an environment produces; which is, of course, ultimately, worship of self. Entire political platforms, governmental policies, and widespread popular trends of thinking and habit are now based on our agreed submission and abdication to emotion as our rulers. So sad a perversion of the beautiful and important gifts from God our emotions are in His design for our lives. I think it crucial that we challenge the current ethos, and actively teach like you have in your column a right understanding, gratefully allowing emotions to inform and motivate us as we pursue godly virtue and purpose. From Enlightenment Head to present-day Belly… we have rapidly demonstrated C.S Lewis’ “men without chests”.
I can see this too! Have you read the articles on Ways to Engage with Emotions?
Nice concept. Useful. Thanks.
I like thinking about putting my emotions on a dial instead of a switch. I think I do that in many cases but could stand some practice in other areas. Good article.
Emotions are the toughest part of our lives to keep on a dial, and none of us are very good at it.