Finally, solitude.

Though certainly the segment of my sabbatical that was most difficult, it was also technically short.

I flew to the house of my main prayer partner in California.   Johnie and I pray together and for one another, over the phone, a few times each month. It is rare for us to get face-to-face time, so it was gold to get to sit with him and talk.  It is a rare gift to have people who inspire no stress, just ease and freedom… but that is my relationship with Johnie.  We can sit and talk and pray for one another in total freedom.

Again, there is such great value in having friends and family with whom you can experience true rest.  I am blessed so opulently.

Then, from there, I drove into the  Skyfarm Hermitage near Sonoma, CA.

My plan was to find a place where I could be truly alone.  I wanted to be unable to escape myself or God.  I knew that I would leave my phone, computer, all books, games, etc in my vehicle. I was pretty terrified.  I have known that I don’t do bored well.  My wife says that I have a phobia of being bored. I wanted to see if she was correct.

When I had told a mentor what I had planned, he had mentioned that I should leave mt watch in the car as well. The thought instantly created a minor anxiety attack.  If I didn’t have any idea what time it was – I wouldn’t know when I got up in the morning; I wouldn’t know when to eat, take a nap, etc.  By the end, I knew that this was really that I didn’t know how much more of the day I had to fill with things to do before it would be time to go to bed.

Here are some excerpts and comments from my notes from those 60 hours of isolation.  There is absolutely no reason that I can imagine for you being interested in these, but I had determined that it was a good discipline for me to share them. Maybe this would be a helpful example in some way to someone.

This is a glimpse into my psyche which could only be valuable if you are, for some reason, interested in my psyche (hi, mom) or you think something going on in there will valuable (good luck).

Just put everything in the car, including the watch and much more emotionally, hanging up with talking with ginger bc it created a strong emotional response similar to hanging up the phone when we were dating – like I wasn’t going to talk to her for too long… or a little like dropping off mark at DBU felt.   Dropping him off created an empty hollow feeling. Like “this cannot be the right thing” even though I know it is.

I started noticing feelings that weren’t common to me almost immediately.

The sense of “missing” is such a powerful one for me.  I miss Ginger and the kids fiercely.  If I think about specific things (them going to bed, watching TV, anything) it creates a palpable pain in my gut.  I think this is something I am usually too active to notice much.

Ok, here was a series of thoughts I was having that first evening.  Notice how dependent my life measurements are on my technology.  This delusion was shocking in the moment, but even moreso later when reading back over it.:

 I think I will go for a walk/run a bit (not many good places here it seems).  I am already thinking about how my “Lose It” App cannot record my steps so it’s like they don’t count or something.     

I already also am wondering what time it is.  How do I convince myself that it doesn’t matter?  I have nothing that needs to be scheduled or is on my schedule until Monday! 

Is it best to text “I love you goodnight” each night or not?  Gonna go ahead and
walk/run now.  Dusk and dark may come quickly in the valley.

After running/walking:

How do I know how far I ran?  How do I know when to turn back?  The no watch thing is profound.  The no mileage thing is disorienting.  What If I ask the Holy Spirit to decide these things?  This would be an interesting habit to get into.

How is it possible that running’s “real” effect wasn’t the effect on my body or on my health, but instead on my App?

I will just post some of the notes.

The emotion of isolation seems very similar to fear for me.  I am not generally a very fearful person.  Strange sounds don’t invite exploration, but avoidance right now. Creeping off into the dark with 2 or 3 others might be fun.  But along, sounds fearful. 

If intimacy is about knowing what is going on inside of a person…

Ok, friendship is commonalities, Common experiences, devotions, even preferences… then how does one develop inside jokes with God?  It would have to be to have experiences only with Him.  That requires isolation from other people sometimes. Only God and I saw the deer tonight. 

But I don’t trust isolation.  I find myself questioning the motives of these hermits that live here all of the time. Are they hiding?  Avoiding some sin?  Some past?  People? It may be that they just prefer the company of God – the private friendship of God to people?

By the way, I usually set a timer for prayer too.  How do I know when to stop that either?  There is no end of what I could pray for.

I am realizing a thought to stay away from is What I could be accomplishing right now.

I am already starting to worry that this little book will run out.

About to go to bed.  No ideas what time it is.  Again, that I think this information is something I should know, as if it makes any difference.  I literally am wishing I could somehow find out later.  Why?  I miss everyone but Ginger a ton.  Without a watch I do not know what I would be “normally” doing and with who… or what others are doing.  Is it 8:30? Time to pray with Holland and watch something with Ellie?  9:30 – time to read to Ginger and go to bed?  But nighttime is always when I miss our being in bed together.  And knowing that she is missing me playing with her hair. God give her good, quick stable sleep.

I had to check something on the burner phone and saw that it is about 9:18pm, but I changed the settings so I can check the phone without seeing the time.  Service isn’t great, so I pray that if someone needs me, the call will go through.  I mean I literally pray that. 

In the middle of the night.  No clue what time.  Looked outside and saw it that was fairly lit, so I assumed sunup – sunrise, I mean. Like 4am.  Nope, just a very bright moon.  Prayed for a bit and then went back to bed.  Pretty cold!

I continued to jot down quick thoughts about what I saw and experienced.  Birds, animals, etc.  I also noted what I ate and what I thought about it.  It is intriguing to think back on why I was doing so.  I was communicating with all of the people I couldn’t communicate with.

Ok, it turns out there was too much for just one more.  Part VI coming up.