More thoughts directly from the Journal I kept while on my 60 hours of total isolation.
The next morning, I went for a hike and wrote a little to try to understand my 
issues with boredom. I don’t know that my direct intentional thoughts were very insightful, but my continued ruminations probably offer more insight:
There are moments of almost panic BTW, when I think of this being the first morning still. I know it was around 7:30 when I went for my hike bc of the camera on the phone, but I sure don’t know now. I feel some of this on the Forge campout, but often cheat with a book or headphones. I used to not do that but became annoyed with the feeling. At least there I could be gathering grass for the bed or firewood. No need for that here.
So, what time is it and what am I going to do all day? Minor panic.
What could I be doing? Reading at least. Writing Life group handbook, etc. creates a sense of… anger? Urgency? Not sure. Longing to be able to get that stuff done?
* I keep thinking that I am about to do something (take a shower, run, nap) but then I don’t do it. Not sure why. I am loving sitting and thinking and writing and there is no impetus external forcing to go do it now. I can do it in a minute, or 20 minutes. I only have to think in terms of “before” ( I need to shower before I take a nap, ought to go ahead and run before a shower. But running without a book sounds boring and arbitrary. How many sprints do I do? One for each kid came into mind, but what difference does it make how many I do?
The thought of napping w/out Ginger especially in this beautiful place, feels wrong. Bad. Lonely in the extreme. I hate sleeping without her. I always do. I hated sleeping w/out her before I knew her.
* later, who knows how much later? I am trying to learn got trust this experience. Trying to decide about a book or Bible tomorrow. I am not desperate enough yet, nor settled enough. I keep that each thing is going to be a bad experience… as I think about it before, resting w/out a book, running w/out ear buds, and now eating alone and w/out a book… but then each experience isn’t bad after all, but contemplative.
* I am not writing this to God, I have noticed. I write to myself and some to Ginger first and then a small percentage to some unknown audience.
Later: 3? 4? 2? Don’t know
This is the Long Dark Tea-time of the Soul
Cigars, coffee, tea make us slow down and usually sit. That is their greatest value.
Just saw a giant green falling star. Falling stars are almost always a huge private joke between you and God bc no one else ever sees them.
Finally saw my sneaky nighttime friend… have my red head lamp on and waited. Finally, when I looked near the cabin across me – 2 red eye shine. 2-3 feet off of the ground. Read and spaced pretty far apart. Cats are green-yellow so no Mountain Lion (or I might have moved inside quickly) red=dogs, alligators, and deer. She crept past me making no noise but watching me. Prolly around 8:30-9 or something. Gonna shower and lie down, I guess.
Children never know what time it is.
Do watches steal my ability to play?
3rdmorning:
…thought I had slept in in. Maybe a little, but I just hiked up to twin points and again saw the time. It’s around 9:20. Hot up here. Opposite of yesterday. No fog. Bright and clear for miles and hot!
Climb was much tougher too. Especially at the end. Couldn’t see from below but the twin points are on a stand-alone rock. Do-able but scary. Only risky to do by myself in one or two places… we will see what going down is like.
* vision is perspective. Being able to see clearly – maybe further – a more complete picture. What do we know about post-millennials?
From up high, I see more options, the better ways of getting from here to there. At least I think so. There is a difference between a view and vision. Panoramic is the view. Wow. Looking off the point of a rock you climbed up on you need to get to that point and back down is vision. Where are we going? Only God knows.
Where do we want to go which is not valuable? That is the worst form of trusting in our own understanding. Focus on what He has revealed… not what He hasn’t yet revealed. Another vision concept – vantage point.
Give ear to my words Oh, Lord. Consider my meditations. Hearken unto the voice of my cry – my King and my God. And I will look up with hope.
The panic is gone entirely this morning. Even when I think the thoughts from yesterday – what am I going to do all day? Not even a ripple.
* more on vision – God loved us despite our fumbles, missteps and what we lost along the way. We have to back track sometimes, ask or seek clarity If we were perfect already, I guess we wouldn’t have to do that so often. We should be patient with others doing it. We know that Moses, Paul, had to change course and seek clarity. And going across rough ground may not indicate a lack of vision. It just may be the best option.
BTW, shortcuts are for people with watches.
I got too much food. I have not eaten a lot. Apparently eating is a watch, availability, social thing for me too. I eat one main meal a day around 12-2pm and then have a small something in the morning and again at night. I wonder if that would change over time.
I decided I needed a few hours of computer tomorrow (I will need to remember that – at least an 8-hour day solid – more than likely more would be better), so I will leave before lunch tomorrow… but who knows when I will get up? God conversations are kind of constant now… and/or just thinking is.
After about 48 hours solid (I think it is about 4pm. Saw a clock earlier and it was around 3pm. Got here around 5:30 Friday – so about 46 hours. No real books. It is sweltering. I am going to sit in the shade and ponder for a while (by the little pond) Then, if I feel like it, read a while. The fear associated with no watch are completely gone. Old praise songs and some hymns are in my brain at all times right now, too. They seem to be about God being God and how I will seek Him… like “Give Ear to My Words Oh, Lord” and “Oh God You are My God…”
Last morning here:
Time went by very slowly and with a frighteningly trapped feeling, like being up on that rock. But day 2, it wasn’t a concern. Time just passed peacefully. Be where you are until it is time to be somewhere else. Be with who you are with until it is time to be with someone else.
I started a 30-minute timer this time, like I will have in the “real world” … Its purpose is to make me stop, not for me to go that long in prayer… can I be a peace like this behind my house or elsewhere or will I be seeing things to do?
I prayed over Francis and he over me (that is the monk here). I said, “If I don’t see you before, I will see you in heaven” and he said “I hope so. That is the goal isn’t it?”
Francis had stayed out of my experience the entire time (I only even saw him once or twice across the campus). He was one of the monks who lived there full time. It seems to me that he is needing a new understanding of Grace… so do I, but in a different way, as I learned about my relationship to the passage of time.
PS – a few weeks after I was there, massive wildfires swept across and around SkyFarm, but left it untouched, sort of. Fire came within just a few feet of where I slept; benches where I sat. Thank you God.
It is interesting to me to go back yet again and look at these a few years later – it is interesting how, in this short time, I was able to learn to stop fighting the passage of time.
I found that God had different plans for my Sabbatical than I did. Dan, Harvey, and much more. Once more, He had more for me than I could have had for myself. Much of what I dreaded was so needed. As I am writing this and publishing it here, I was in need of many of those messages. Make the plan and enjoy the ride. What does God have for us today?