I know, some of you are about to click that little X in the corner and run from this article, but hang in for a few minutes for while I explain what an apology is, but first what it isn’t:

It isn’t an admission of being wrong.

When I ask people why they didn’t apologize in a certain situation, the most common response is:  “Because I didn’t do anything wrong.”

But that isn’t what an apology is.

Certainly, an apology can be accompanied by an admission of wrongdoing (and I recommend: “I was wrong.”).

No, an apology is merely an admission of having hurt another person – almost certainly unintentionally!

Think about it… if you intend to hurt another person, you are either NOT going to apologize or you are going to have to really repent of more than merely having hurt them (like “I was wrong”, or if you really have the heart of intentionally hurting your loved one, “I AM wrong.”) and begging forgiveness… and you might be more evil than you realized before if you intentionally or strategically hurt someone else!

Consider, if you were riding your bicycle and a kid jumped in front of you and you accidentally ran them over, you would apologize.  “Oh my gosh, kid… I am so sorry!  Are you ok?”

Did you do anything wrong?  No… but your actions caused them to be hurt.

In fact, you can be doing something beneficial to someone and still apologize for it, if it causes (or even might cause) pain!

Imagine a nurse resetting a joint.   Ouch.  Nurses, physical therapists and dentists probably apologize a lot!  Are they wrong?  No, they may be saving your life!

But they are still causing pain and so it totally makes sense for them to apologize.

Had I intended to shoulder my wife out of the conversation?  No.

Had I intended to dismiss her or neglect her?  No.

Is it wrong for me to answer questions or even teach a little, in a setting like that?  Not really.

However, what I did, not matter how cluelessly or innocently, though not morally wrong, caused bad feelings in my wife.  Emotionally, it hurt her feelings.

How did I know that I did?

Well, she told me.  At that point what would I even argue?  What would that even look like?

Her:  “You hurt me.”

Me:  “No, I didn’t.”

Her:  “Yep, pretty sure it was me and pretty sure it was hurt.”

Me:  “you win.”

See how all I could defend would be my motives?  I cannot deny her feelings.  So, ask yourself, is it valuable to defend motives in a situation like this?  Did she even say that I intended (motives) to hurt her?

Nope.  Obviously she didn’t think I intended to do it, or she wouldn’t be very likely to bring it up.   (BTW, watch out when a spouse goes silent.  There is a difference between angry, and weary.  Weary is the last stop on the trip to “done”)  She is assuming that I wasn’t strategically planning to hurt her feelings (why bring up an issue to someone like that?).

She assumed I was clueless and insensitive, sure; but here is the cool part:  I was!

Distracted, talking in 35-50-minute intervals, not paying a lot of attention to the people with me… yep, that sounds like me.  I wouldn’t ever intend to hurt her feelings, but I certainly could accidentally do so.

Why is it that we often do our strongest defenses when what our loved one says we did sounds exactly like something we do all the time?    Life is so much more free when we accept that we are frail and know ourselves well enough to hear when someone is accurately describing us.

“Wow.  I did not intend to do that at all. Really, I did that again?  I am so sorry!  I ran you over (we actually do use that terminology from the bicycle analogy).  Bummer.  I am sorry.”

It doesn’t hurt to throw in there “do you forgive me?” if it seems like it would help, too… especially if you did do something wrong, as well.

So, instead of hours of fighting, she held my hand for a moment in silence (probably in a little shock given my different response) … and said that she appreciated my listening hear… and it was a great evening!

A totally different outcome.   Magic!

Can I encourage you to draw this powerful tool from the sheath and be prepared to try it?  I know that you may be clumsy at it and the other person may also be clumsy at accepting it. 

Be patient – but try it!