Some Thoughts (and 6 Questions) about When to Move on After a Spouse is Unfaithful
I am a Christian.
That means radically different things to different people, so I better explain before some people stop listening because of how they interpret those 4 words.
It is not a result of or outcome from a political party or political stance.
It doesn’t inform the reader as to my scientific understandings (though it should indicate that I am a fan of science).
It certainly doesn’t ally me to hate-filled people whose identities are defined by those they despise.
It merely means I trust in what Jesus Christ did and does to make me right with God and that I seek to correctly apply what He taught in our own culture and time.
I seek to apply the truth and am convinced that only truth sets people free.
The only reason I am making this “claimer” (rather than disclaimer) is because of the topic I was invited to write on… the limits of marriage under some of the worst circumstances…
And my thoughts on this are largely informed by what I believe is the truth about marriage as revealed in the teaching of Jesus Christ in particular and other scriptural authors in general.
It also means I ascribe to the Divine Command Theory of Morality and Ethics. For an intense and critical philosophical discussion on this theory, you can read much more here. Simply put, though, Divine Command Theory says that the moral obligations and duties that humans have come from God. At the fundamental level, humans are right to obey God and are wrong to disobey God.
Marriage
Marriage, as handed to humanity from On High, was intended to be a living parable of how the Creator loved His people… and His love has been best defined by sacrifice.
Marriages in our modern culture fail most often because marriage is being “used” to accomplish things it was never designed for.
This is like trying to hammer a nail into a wall with a vase.
The problem is not really the vase itself; the problem is that vases aren’t meant to accomplish that task.
Marriage wasn’t designed fundamentally to make sure our needs are met. Anyone who has been married very long (and I get chuckles on this in every wedding I perform) knows that marriage is really a pretty awful way to blithely get your needs and wants met. Why?
It wasn’t designed for it.
But it is a great way to spend the rest of your life sacrificing for another person to make sure they get some of their needs and wants met. (I am not talking about some twisted co-dependent “my identity cannot be distinguished from meeting your desires” junk.) I am talking about a sober and charitable decision to concern myself with the interests of another even when it costs me to do so.
Knowing that this is where I start the conversation, you can imagine what a challenge it is to write about when to move on after your spouse has cheated. In defense of this understanding of marriage, in fact, there is an old Hebrew story of a prophet who is instructed to marry a prostitute. When the wife goes back to her life of prostitution and is unfaithful, he is told to go redeem her again…
Because this is exactly what God does for His people.
However, I do think that the time comes for many people… and that sadly it is always a result of selfish vanity – hardness of heart – on at least one person’s part, and it may not be the one who is having to finally file for divorce.
The truth is that it may take two people to create a great marriage, but it only takes one to destroy and live in disrespect of the covenant.
1 thought on “When to Leave a Marriage – (Including 6 Questions) – Part I.”