Make sure and go back to Part I if you haven’t read it yet…
At the simplest level, though there is still much debate over this, there are two potential motivations for divorce found in the Judeo/Christian Holy Bible (the source for the teachings of Jesus Christ and His immediate followers).
The First is infidelity/sexual immorality. Jesus is quoted as saying, in Matthew 5:32, “But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.”
All discussions as to gender issues, cultural details aside (which could take thousands more words than I have here), it seems that Jesus himself allows that a divorce for the reason of sexually immoral conduct (of which adultery was certainly among the list) was allowed, though certainly not commanded, or even encouraged.
Second: the early Christian Apostle Paul, in his first letter to the Corinthian Church (7:15) seems to indicate that if a person is abandoned, they may move on. Of course, there is also great debate on this, but at a cursory reading, this seems to offer the second possible motivation. For more on both of these, I refer you to David Instone-Brewer.
So, back to the original question. When is it time for a spouse who has been cheated on to move on? When can they “wash their hands” of the guilt and sense of failure and close the chapter of their lives that involved being married to the cheater?
Probably never, completely. This life just doesn’t work that way.
However, there may be a time to make the end of the marriage official… and I think there are some questions that one must wrestle with honestly along the path to reaching this decision.
I have walked alongside several people through this difficult process, sometimes across several year. In addition to the obvious question I mentioned in the last chapter – “Am I obeying God in divorcing my spouse?,” here are some of the ones I have noticed have been helpful before for people as they are having to make this difficult decision:
1. Is my unfaithful spouse penitent? Are they remorseful? Are they trying– and making a sincere effort? (more on this in a second).
2. Am I making a sincere effort? Am I still holding back that puzzle piece that might give the marriage an actual chance? Often, and not surprisingly, unfaithfulness comes in a marriage with other problems – and the main problem maker is usually the one who cheats! The faithful spouse may think “well, at least now I will get a better marriage since they are trying to win me back.” When even that doesn’t happen, the resentment can be deep, understandably.
3. Honestly, what has been tried? Are there any options available to me/us that I am not trying? Counseling, Intensives, Accountability, Rehab? Community, Psychological evaluation? What are the excuses? Whose excuses are they?
4. Can you trust again? Not at first, for sure, but can you see that the day would come? Do you see a day in which you would predict that your spouse will never be unfaithful from that point on? Can you predict a good and redemptive future? And, this is important: have you given yourself enough time? It can sometimes take a long time to even imagine a positive future. I believe in being patient.
5. Are they insisting on still cheating? And I think any version of “being unfaithful” counts here. Are they insistent on continuing the unfaithful behaviors/relationships? Are they not willing to make the vow “forsaking all others” from this point forward, or are you still being abandoned? Have they fully divorced themselves from you already?
6. Back to number 1. Repenting is a term that means to change direction. It is more than words, it is deeds and life. Is the unfaithful spouse indicating with consistent deeds that they regret what they have done? Are they willing to try to re-pursue your heart?
We will pick up here this next week… but my experience personally is that if the divorce happens, you want to be able to say to yourself “I was honest with myself and I did all that I could…”
Don’t panic, I know this is hard. But I honestly think it should be… and I also know that it is already so hard if you are in the position to be asking these questions. You aren’t alone. If you want someone to walk alongside, finding a good counselor who honors God’s word can be extremely helpful.
2 thoughts on “When to Leave a Marriage – (Including 6 Questions) – Part II”