Ok, go back and look at those questions – I know that those questions are not directly from the Bible but I think they take hold of the biblical concepts and dictates… and honestly, those 6 (ok, I know it is more like 20 altogether) questions are really for people who have already experienced the biblical motivations for even considering divorce…

So, once you engage with those questions… be honest with yourself about these questions.  I am confident that honest and candid answers to yourself (maybe with a friend and between you and your counselor) will help clear up what your next steps must be.  Something so important, you will want to know that you have made the valiant effort.  Then, if the day comes and you recognize it as the day to say goodbye, you will know you have been steadfast.

As a counselor, it is not my responsibility, nor is it appropriate, for me to ever advise someone to get a divorce.  That is obviously a big life decision – it is a big moral decision.  I personally think that isn’t the role of a therapist to give direct advice about much at all, but less so personal moral decisions.

A Christian would have to be able to say “I am obeying God in divorcing my spouse.”  Obviously, that is a VERY high calling.  I believe that the teachings of the Bible indicate that both of those are possible at the same time, but it should never be flippant.

I want to offer one “case study”:  unfaithful husband is caught and claims to want to save the marriage.  In every meeting with every counselor he claims this.  However, the husband is still living, for work reasons, in a different town than the rest of the family… she begs him to either move back with the family or divorce her, but he will do neither.  Stalemate.  However, his words are always that he wants to move back, but it is just too tough.  Finally, the wife draws a boundary.  “Write up your resume and send it out to 12 people in the town” or she would interpret his refusal as him asking her to file for divorce.  He had SIX MONTHS to do this small thing.  He didn’t get it done.  

When we went through these questions, and after sober thought and prayer, she decided it was time.  It was very hard, and divorce didn’t make life suddenly easy, but she believed that after the infidelity and this abandonment, that it was time.

Though as an ethical stance, I didn’t and wouldn’t advise it, I am honored to walk people through those hardest moments like this. They represent some of the hardest things to walk through.

Marriage is sacred and must be protected, and I think it is noble to seek to nurture it even after unfaithfulness, but there must come a time.  I am sorry I don’t have a simple 5-point checklist, but I don’t think we would truly want it to be easy… and the 6 questions above, when dealt with honestly, should create some clarity for you, I hope.

Make clear, that neither I nor anyone else should blame the infidelity on the victim spouse.  Did they help in screwing up the system?  Probably (though honestly, I don’t think always) … but the decision to engage sexually with another person of one’s own free will is exactly that – one’s own decision.  

No spouse can be, should be, nor is, responsible to make sure that their spouse remains faithful. 

In any case, a new marriage is needed after an affair.  Hopefully, and with grace and forgiveness, repentance and pursuit, the new marriage can be with the same spouse.  

I know that you may be thinking that my perspective is not realistic – but please accept that it is not the case. I know that the types of nightmarish situations that can exist with the name “marriage” is, well, impressive and seemingly limitless. I also know that when we have to choose between bad choices, when you face a fork in the path and both choices seem dark and scary… it is incredibly discouraging. This is a broken and fallen world and relationships all-to-often express this brokenness.

I hope that maybe the understanding of what marriage is, and isn’t, will have new hope for your marriage and can get new help.  The Jesus of the Bible loves to “make all things new.”  Blessings on you as you seek to live out that living parable that God intended our marriages to be!